vulgar verse

There is something I feel I ought to record. It is vulgar and crass, but it struck me as also being very witty (if that’s not too much of an oxymoron. In the men’s loo of the canteen of the MMU Crewe campus, on the back of one of the cubicle doors, amid statements that so-and-so was here, and so-and-so loves Jane, somebody once wrote:

The shithouse poet Strikes again, this time In haiku form.

This particular piece of graffiti made me laugh. It was vulgar, which is a prerequisite for graffiti, yet artful. It alluded to wit, and was self-reflexive, as if to say ”we university students can be as crass as anyone, but we do it with style and wit”. Sadly, I noted today that the cleaners had bee, and the cleaners have no respect for art or irony. The poem was gone, but not forgotten. This must seem crass of me, but I just thought this poem, by an anonymous author, was worth recording. Go here for more on haiku

very silly thing iindeed

Some fool made this. I do not know who, but they were / are obviously quite skilled in flash. However, flash only exists as a tool for making idiotic rubbish. This time, the fool has adulterated To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee’s classic; there are no ninjas or flying sharks in the original, nor are there pirates. However, the film is very funny, and has a good soundtrack. Someone went to a lot of effort to make this. The question is why.

predictable

Poor old Americans. How were they supposed to know that, soon after they invaded, sorry liberated, Iraq, it would decent into chaos? Of course they weren’t to know that they were removing the only thing stopping the two factions from killing each other. They were trying to do the Iraqis a favour! Now look. Oh no, it’s not America’s fault, and certainly not bush’s. he isn’t to blame for the seemingly endless bloodshed.

And if you believe that you’ll believe anything. Did nobody in the white house have the foresight to predict this? Or did they predict it and just not give a fuck? Either way, it’s scary that these intellectual cretins are running America, and therefore the world.

2 lins for your attention

today I’d like to send you to two links. They’re both totally dofferent but equally cool. First, I’d like to point out that the bbc has a new minisite for planet earth, which can be found here. the site itself is decidedly unimpresive, but, from looking at the reports, the programme itself should be fantastic!

Second, my little bro sent me a link to an independent news agency on the web which posts some very good reports which seem to concern how fucked up the current bush administratio is. so, no news there, but a healthy dose of cynicism nonetheless. echo chamber project

streaming tv

I’m afraid this is going to sound like another of my adverts for the beeb, but last night I was sitting, rather bored in my room, and found you could watch entire episodes of comedy shows on the ‘net. How cool is that? I managed to watch Two pints of Larger and a packet of Crisps – of which I have always been a bit of a fan, although it’s not as funny as it used to be – and a strange Sketch show called Tittybangbang, which was weird but ok for having on while one is changing for bed.

I think this is rather cool – where else can you stream new comedy programmes? No doubt the likes of Rupert Murdoch will be complaining, and it probably won’t be long before the bbc stops it, but while it lasts I will enjoy it. Yes, TV is, these days, mostly idiotic tripe, but I still enjoy the odd programme before bed.

train crashes

I love watching train crashes; It’s aa morbid fascination of mine. well, not literally, but metaphorical train crashes, uch as when the tories destroy themselves after recent general elections. The debate over ID in america is particularly goo, for the battle is so one sided. the creationists keep piping up every now and again, only to be shown to be utter fools. Its as funny as it is dangerous.

anyway, here’s the latest report

another joke from esther

Here’s a prime example of “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:

The professor told his class one day: “Today we will xperiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to

me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. there is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a onclusion has been reached.”

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:

Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to

Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic ommunicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.

“Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)

Little did Laurie know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President,

in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)

Oh, yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F-ING

TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!” (Rebecca) A-hole.

(Gary)

B-tch

(Rebecca)

F-YOU – YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Gary)

Go drink some tea – whore.

(TEACHER)

A+ – I really liked this one.

write to your mp

further to my little rant about the end of the cap, please please can you all go to the following adress ad write to your member of paliament. It is very important PLEASE go here

“Even more important than the freedom of speech, is the freedom to speak”. Professor Stephen Hawking, ACE Centre Patron .

Another blond joke

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, ”Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started ”

Her boyfriend asks, ”What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde says, ”According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says: –

”First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble

these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He takes her hand and says ”Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…..”he sighed, ”let’s put all these Frosties back in the box”

NB – I do not discriminate by hair colour, but it’s just funny!