I keep yearning for sheets of paper these days. If only I had a pack of A4, I’d give a sheet to Phillip hammond to draft his resignation on. He somehow thinks it’s more important to cut tax for high earners than to give poor and vulnerable people the means to live. He says the uk must be ‘competitive’, but we all know that’s a smarmy little justification for the greed-based views of the right – the rich grow ever richer while others are left to starve.

I’d also give a sheet to Nigel Farage for him to write his apology on. The dirtbag owes the nation an apology: because of him, we had the referendum; because of him, the country is screwed. The pound is weak, unemployment up; xenophobia and bigotry are rocketing. This all started when farage and dirtbags like him sought to impose their antiquated views on us. He owes us a grovelling apology for the damage he has done and the trouble he has caused.

A sheet would also be handed to Donald trump. Assuming he can even write, I’d force him to draft his resignation. Enough is enough, a joke’s a joke; it’s time for him to stand aside and let someone more qualified and suited for the job take over. The guy is a reality tv show host – for all his bravado, it’s patently obvious Trump does not belong in the white house. He has no idea what he is doing, and the way he has appointed all these fascist shit-heads to prominent positions should have us all very, very worried.

And how about a sheet for Mrs May. Perhaps then she could write down some sort of coherent strategy for Brexit negotiations. It’s quite clear that neither she nor anyone in the government know what they are doing. They say they are going to make all these demands of europe, but the eu doesn’t want us to go – it’s in their best interest to make this process as hard as possible. Better yet, May could use the piece of paper to nullify the referendum: she could point out it was only advisory, put the breaks on the whole damn nightmare and reset the whole issue.

Every time I turn on the news I yearn for this pad of paper. In my mind, it has come a metaphor: I long to present these people with a4 sheets. There are probably more. Who would you give a piece of paper to, and what would you have them write?