Today I’m very proud to announce that I came first in the London Marathon this morning! I won it in my new, super-fast powerchair. I was able to whizz round the streets in record time. You may not have seen me on the course though, because my chair has a cloaking device I got from my Klingon friends, allowing me to trundle around the city totally unseen.

(Yes, I admit this is total bollox, but printing total nonsense seems to be a growing tradition in the Sunday press…)