I had another weird, transvestic dream last night, of the kind I wrote about here. It was extremely powerful and vivid, involving me talking with my mum about starting to take hormones (she seemed quite open to the idea). The odd thing is, I haven’t done anything like that in ages. I haven’t dressed up in two or three years, and I don’t think I’ve even thought about it. That I should be having such dreams is therefore quite baffling.

Thinking about this while out on my trundle today though, I began to feel a little melancholic: Lyn obviously once had similar desires and urges to these, but whereas she was brave enough to act on them and explore them, for various reasons I have chosen to repress and ignore them. Lyn became Lyn, the fascinating, strong, wonderful woman i now owe so much to, and whose loss still fills me with sadness.

While I am, of course, perfectly happy living the life I now do, I must admit that part of me is inordinately curious about what would have happened had I gone down that alternative path. What if, say, after I graduated from university, instead of doing my MA I had chosen to transition and become a woman? What would life be like now? Where might I be living and what I might be doing? Would I be happy or could it have been a mistake?

If Lyn did it, could I have? I suppose I’ll never know, although it occurs to me that these questions and ideas could make a fascinating screenplay.