In 1776, Britain had a choice: we could either send troops to Jamaica to suppress a rebellion there, or to our colonies on the eastern coast of North America, to combat a similar insurrection there. Given how lucrative the Jamaican sugar trade was to the British Empire, troops were diverted to the Caribbean, and the colonists in North America were allowed to try to govern their selves. By and large, it was an act of benevolence: everyone knew that the people who had been sent to those thirteen colonies were duller than average, but it was thought it would be kinder to let them try to deal with their own affairs.

For a time the experiment seemed to be going well. The colonies expanded into a nation stretching across the continent; massive amounts of wealth were produced, mostly through the exploitation of the expertise and resources of others. The former colonies even reached the point where it could create a space program, mostly through luring technical experts trained elsewhere and then claiming the credit. Now however, two and a half centuries on, the consequences of Britain’s mistake have become clearer than ever: in letting these incestuous halfwits try to run their own affairs, they have selected the biggest halfwit among them as their leader. This imbecile is now actively threatening the stability of the entire world through his sheer arrogance and shortsightedness.

Frankly it is now obvious that we should never have let those colonists try to govern their own affairs. We are now akin to parents who gave their learning-disabled son his own flat, only to see him set it alight. If only there was a way they could take him back under their wing.