I don’t see the point of golf. If you ask me it’s just a bunch of over-privileged, arrogant guys wasting time walking around a park trying to hit balls into holes. It’s far more a matter of luck than skill, but for some real BBC news has chosen to lead today’s bulletins with the news that Rory McIlroy has won the masters. How interesting! Surely there are far more important things they could cover.

If you ask me, golf isn’t even a sport: it’s a waste of time played by men too inept to do anything else. Building golf courses ruins otherwise beautiful areas, and I don’t see how anyone could be so dull that they would want to play, let alone watch it. Famously, of course, Ian Fleming was something of a golf aficionado; although my current disdain for the game may be in large part due to the fact that the turd who Americans currently call their president thinks he’s some sort of golf champion. Trump brags that he’s an oh-so-great golfer, as if such sporting prowess puts him on a par with Michael Johnson or David Beckham, but any fuckwit can hit a ball into a hole given enough time!