Crip noir

Some of the most poetic lines I have ever read have also been the darkest; two of the most interesting characters I have come across have been the bitterest. What can be more bitter than the following lines from Anne MacDonald:

“Ghosts haunt me; ghosts of crying children, children who were unwanted and unloved. They had been rejected because they were imperfect. Unfortunately there was no guarantee, no warranty period during which unsatisfactory goods could be returned to maker for repair and replacement. Nobody wanted them, but they were alive and so must continue to live with no future, no family, and no friend but death.”

Yet there is a dreadful poeticism in these lines. Her lines, and the writings of la Guerra, put one in mind of film noir, where there is beauty in darkness. There is nothing romantic in these lines, and I can think of nothing more savage short of the concentration camps to describe how Anne was treated, yet I seem eager to express these feelings on film.

In Rebecca Stanhope, La Guerra ha made this wonderfully bitter character. She seems sumptuous ant textured, and there is something of the night in her. She is incredibly strong of soul, as Anne had to be – how else would she stay sane, or indeed alive, through fourteen years in an institution? They both send shivers down my spine:

“Time was when the strongest emotion I felt was hate, and hate makes you strong. Tender emotions were dangerously softening. Implacable hatred of the whole world which hunted handicapped children into middens like St Nicholas twisted my relationships with people for years”

the above line was expressed by Anne, but it could equally have come from the mouth of Stanhope. In writing this, I am not intending to demean or make light of Anne’s experiences. Her descriptions haunted me for several nights, but as one interested in film and fiction, I cannot fail to see the potential in the power of stories such as hers. This applies equally to fact or fiction, but what is so compelling about annes story is that it is true, and what is compelling about La Guerra’s is that the detail is grounded in the truth. Imagine such a line being orated in a southern drawl, or by Anthony Hopkins.

It goes without saying that such lines go hand in hand with the experiences which forge them. Were we to have dramatis personae like Miss Stanhope in films, they and their histories should in no way be sanitised. Audiences should be shown the realities of special school, or the institution so that they can understand where these characters came from. What regular film goer can understand being shut away in an institution when one has committed no crime, and only being taken outside once in fourteen years? Very few, I suspect.

The fact remains that these experiences make for strong characters which would add texture to films. They are undeniably dark, and more than a little bleak, but within darkness there can be beauty. Take, for example, the character of Snape, whose appeal derives almost souly derives from his dark, bitter aspect. The Mise-enscene associated with him employs only blacks and dark blues, which offset Rickman’s handsomeness. The same, I would argue, could work for equally dark characters: imagine the low purr of wheelchair motors along a darkened corridor. Indeed, part of the greatness of la Guerra’s story is that she uses Stanhope to shed light on Snape by paralleling the two bitter characters. Here one can see the potential of what I am saying.

I may not be expressing myself too well tonight. My thoughts on this subject are still forming. I am by no means saying that all crips on TV should be bitter – indeed, I very much subscribe to the ‘incidental disability’ model – but I also see great potential in portraying these realistically dark characters in film. I feel they would add texture to the medium.

This year I want to start work on defining the mise-en-scene where this can be achieved: what music, lighting etc would accompany such dark characters? Hmm…

fanfic, then a rant

I spent most of today brushing up on cinematography and msning with becca. believe it or not, we’re communicating as much as ever, but we’ve got round to discussing issues rather than how we can next meet. dont get me wrong, I’d still love to see her now and then, but it doesnt seem that pressing now. Anyway, it is through our dscussions on miles peasegood that we can refine our ideas on itergration, and it helps with my writing too. we can throw about ideas, and becca can iron out gaps in my knowledge..

to change the subject, tonight on channel 4 there is a program on belief, and tomorrow the bbc is showing jerry sprringer – the musicaal. both have been ttacked by the religious for their blasphemy, especially the latter. not to offend anyone but how can people still believe in god. the week before last, 100,000+ wwere killed in a tsunami; i posted a link here on sunday to the site of a woma who was institutionalised age three till she was 18, denied the ability to speak, move, or even go outside. it was sickening. Now, I’m sorry, but how can people still believe in a loving God? where was god for annie Mcdonald. are these ‘believers’ mad? rosemarry Crossley is a truly great, great person, but she was not sent from god, for if she was, why did anne have to wait so long for her?? and what of the tsunami? how could he allow that?

what gets me are these christian fundimentalists, especially in the states. Creaionists who rejeccs darwin. i mean, how can so many people simultaneously loose the ability to think? ok, rant over.

For Becs

If threes one thing miss Stanhope, miss McDonald and the people of southern Asia teach me, it is the strength of the human spirit. The human heart is a strong muscle indeed, but in the dark watches of last night, I thought mine would break. Last night Becca called it off.

Of course, she can no more deny her heart than I can deny mine. She does not love me, and so she had to call it off. Monday night it seemed I wanted something she could not give, and I must respect that. But it doesn’t stop it from hurting. Badly.

A strange watery light streams through my window: quite a lovely day. The sun has risen, and there will be others. None like becs, for she was one in a million. We agreed to remain friends: speak online, perhaps see each other now and them, but I still feel kind of empty. Its as if my fears of being alone have been confirmed (although Becca did the opposite).

This morning, over breakfast, a thought occurred to me. If Becca cannot be my girlfriend, but I still love her and she still likes me, what can she be. At that moment, I smiled, for Luke was telling me of his break-ups while making my breakfast. What kind of relationship contains love, but not of the mad passionate kind?

The love expressed between siblings is strong indeed. I have known Luke and mark to traipse halfway across the country for me, and I would gladly do that for Becca (or get someone to take me). Thus, if Becca consents to be my honorary sister, I’ll be quite happy.

Oh well. I knew it had to end sometime, and as mum pointed out last night “it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all”. This is certainly true, and while we were together, Becca showed me how wonderful life can be. I know now what love feels like: I know why Shakespeare wrote the sonnets, and why all the greatest things in life were made: love is the greatest emotion of them all, and it is also, I now realise, why I have t let her go.

On her livejournal, beccs asks for my forgiveness. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, to forgive her for, save if one has to apologise for re-igniting ones faith in humankind. I still have a warm feeling when I think of her, but I have a feeling of equal strength, this time of worry, when I hear Luke’s bike rev up. What I’m trying to say is that I would like to count becs now as my sister. Might I remind her, though, that sisters sometimes come for tea.

cry freedom

There are dark things in the depths of the earth: dark things that most people are oblivious to. Children crying, unable to respond to the question ‘what’s the matter?’ people closed into institutions, where time and custom gradually forces the spark of life to flicker and die. Thus people become trapped in their bodies – prisons in which they await death, for without voices they have no escape.

School was such a place. The pace of life there was lethargic and slow. It was a place which drained many kids of life, and taught them to accept fate, failure, and life in a metaphorical cage. Many kids went from there into homes, or graves.

But no! I will let this happen no longer. I will get my degree – that is my first priority, and second love after becs – but I will not let any more kids be allowed to rot! The special school system must be destroyed, and children must be allowed to flourish among their piers. This will take time, money, and Imagination, but it will be done. By King, and by Mandella, it will be done.

Let those who doubt this come forward: risistance is futile!

tsunami relief

Let me preface this by saying that I am not anti-American. I rather like our American cousins: after all, most very cool things come from the states, like Hendrix, star trek, and so on. I love great American writers, like Hemingway and twain. Most of my favourite films were at least funded by US studios. And I still intend to drink cocktails in key west one day.

but last night Luke showed me the most fascist thing I had ever read, and it stemmed from a writer in California. The united states, it argued, should not give relief money to help fund recovery after the tsunami in the Indian ocean because the people there had not earned it. That money belonged to the people of the united states, and had been taken from US citizens. Thus it was not the governments money to give. Since the people of the US wouldnt get anything back, why should their money be given away?

What fool wrote this? Was he even human. Over 100,000 dead, many more needing help, and he still cant see past the nose on his arrogant face! He questions the right of the US government whose swift action on this is surely commendable to give away tax payers money. How this pah tok can even write intelligibly baffles me. Sickening, isnt it?

my thoughts tonight.

I could write here about how I spent most of today hanging about the hous in a skirt, tights and pink tee shirt, and about how remarkable I find becca, who remains my girlfriend even though I do such dubious things, but it feels wrong to write about such silly, happy things when I see so much suffering on my tv. when i last looked, 80,000 people had been killed by the tsunami in the indian ocian. tonight, my thougts are there. I feel sad.

10 hour films?

yesterday wee tried to watch lord of the riings all he way through – all 10 hours of jackson’s masterpiece. my family got bored after the first film and started a card game. I suppose it was too ambitious to expect them to be so patient. we will watchh the third film later tho, having watched the second later yesterday evenning.

No title

a few days ago I wrote a stupid entry agbout my friend shannon. given that shes a very privatee person, it was aa foolish thing to do. I can only offer an apology and a vow to leave her out of my little rants.

txting

becs is away from her pc, so I’ve recently been communicating witth her via mobile phone text messages – physically holding the phone to talk hurts my arm after a while. I’m getting rather fast at it, but the tning is texting is probably the most fiddly, frustrating acctivity ever! for a person used to a dock-off extended keyboard, to write anything using the three-press letter-sellection of mobile phones takes ages. to say anytthing of substance is nigh-on impossible. oddly, tho, the fact that Its becca I’m communicating with makkes these frustrations seem quite, quite insignificant.

wrong!

this yyear has provedd my assumptions are mostly pants! ok, so look at the following:

1. I assumed I wouldnt go 2 uni.

3. I assumed I’d not be popular

I assumed that i’d never get a girlfriend

I’d addumed i’d never ace an exam.

wrong! crap. matt assumed wrong. at the end of this year, I’m flourishing at university, surrounded by friends. I’m in line for a reasonable degree, and I have aan absoluttely wonderful girlfriend in becca, whom I adore. In short, right now life rules, and to think I was once so pessimuistic is laughable.

merry christmass everyone!

can we go florida?

Like most ppl, I read several peoples blogs – I just read my friend shannon’s. she’s in florida, and is one of the best damn writers I know [thereby re-igniting my faith in yanks]. without wanting to breach confidenntialitty – she’d kill me – her mosr recent entry has me fuming. My dad got katie uptight just by using the H-word; what shannon discribes hre, in my opinion, is far worse. in short, it ammounts to abuse, and makes me want to cross the atlantic and doo some unprintable things.

but somehow I doubt mumor dad will let me go on killing sprees in america, so I”ll just say to shannon that shhe has my respect, and can contact me any time she wants to.

rabbit proof fence

This film is an astoundingly beautiful film about 3 aboriginal girls who walk across Australia after forcibly being taken from their mothers. Its hard not to be sutured into the text, and I found myself getting very angry at the authorities. I wanted to stop them taking these kids away, through no reason other than racism. Some of the shooting is awe-inspiring. However, it was only when I watched the ‘making of’ documentary that I actually felt myself welling up with tears, forcing me to go telephone Becs,

Above all, though, this film is testament to the human spirit. For these girls to walk 1500 miles was phenomenal. Without doubt, their story had to be told.. ordinarily, I’d do a close textual analysis – or attempt one – but that can wait: this film is too beautiful to take apart.

Thanks, Becca, for a great Christmas present!

time to head home

one thing is certain, university rules. never have i worked so hard, or partied so much. but now its christmas, I think I need home. ok, I go there every weekend, but i’m kinda tired. I find myself thinking about the tree at home, the smell of mum’s cooking, seeing maark and luke. I really do love uni. never felt so free. went to a very cool party last night. got drunk. 🙂 sigh…but I think its time for a rest. dads picking me up tonight. time to unwind at home. and do some serious sleeping!

*cringes*

okok. this is embarrasing, but i only just realised. when becs said she was going to stay at her friend anne’s place, i thought fine. to be honest my prime concern was finding her house. but earlier today I was looking at becca’s livejournal, where she mentions anne’s full name: anne rae.

this name might not mean alot to most of you guys, but instantly a bell rang in my head. Mrs rae has written a vast amount concerned with disability, disability rights and inclusive education. she is a very VERY senior authority in the field.she is known nationally.

and my mum offered to help her make tea. oh god, talk about faux pas!!

mussaca du funnu

Havr just spent a very pleasant evening with becs. mum made a v. nice meal. i’m not a total gossip, so i’d raather keep the details between me and my girllfriend. Ii just want to say thhat right now, i’m one of the happuest and luckiest man on earth.

the brandies xmas disco

I’ve woken up early so I thought I may as well get up and do some blogging. Last night was the Christmas disco at the bar, and, you know me, I couldn’t resist the chance to dress up. Hey, I’m an extrovert!

Anyway, I’d been planning this since last week. I went shopping with Mark, my PA, and got some fairy wings and pink netting for a tutu. That evening, I asked my home-helpers if they knew a way of making the latter into a skirt: this seemed to excite them quite a bit, and they offered to make it. I got dad to make sure my pink leotard was ok to wear.

So, to cut a long story short, 7.30 last night saw me heading round to the bar in pink leotard, tutu and tights, the shades of which were all discordant so I looked rather garish and cool. I had my cute wings on. I sat down at the table with the usual carling, watching ‘the social’*. A while later, the party got going. In order to avoid getting chilled, I found a nice warm pipe to sit by.

Believe it or not, several girls danced with me, sort of “he looks so cute, lets dance with him” in a maternal kind of way. Everyone wants to mother me. Why?

Eventually, I found my cool Irish friends and got chatting. Did some more dancing, talking, etc. as the party wound down, they invited me over to the Kellick common room for more talking, but kellicks miles away so I had to say no thanks. One girl asked to buy my skirt – still thinking about that.

Well, that’s about it. A couple of friends walked me home, saying “I’d never be able to wear that outfit matt.” Got home, pulled off my costume (glitter everywhere), and went to bed. What a cool night!

* the weekly group piss-up of the football team. Bloody stupid if you ask me.

two heads are better than one

yesterday I spent the night talking to becs. we were having this great discussion in which we created a harry potter fanfic charachter, miles. we were wondering how the hogwarts staff would cope with a severely disabled student. miles has very severe cp, is noonverbal, and has learning disabilities. he reminds me of the PMLD kids at school, or ross down my road. it was great to see him being created during the course of the evening, with me and becca throwing ideas at eachother. the problm is, I can’t quite get inside miles’ head just yet. think I need to do some more exploring with becs before I/we write anything in full.

I wonder how people like professor snape would react to such kids. he reacted to miss stanhope badly enough, but she is both articulate and bitter enough to cope with him. either way, this willj most certainly be an interesting experiment.

bah

why is it that the one day that we go up to mancherster, beccas not in town? she’s at 1voice, in liverpool, i think. we’re going up there to see luke, cyril, and eevee, a distant cousin. summit like that anyway. dad has been spouting bullshit about beca not being really in love with me, or she’d try hardserr to see me. mind you he also threatened to pimp me. go figgure.

I really want to see becs. I mean really! hugging her i fee;l complete. she kissed me that night, and i felt my heart pound in my chest. that nght i descovered why man created poetry and song and all that is good. at one time, i thought all the world hollow – how can it bee, with people like rebecca younng in the world? definitely going to see her next week tho – as sure as th sun rises.

In the meantime, I’m looking forward to the christmass disco, for which i’m dressing up. if i dont catch pneumonia, it should be fun. i’ll tell you what i’m gonna wear later!

music – all you need is love, the beattles

No title

where do i start telling you about this week? its been cool. on tuesday I managed to get myself to a poetry reading, arranging a lift with my friend marcus. The pooetry reading went well. It was held at the local puub, off campus. wednesday night, went to the disco, as usual. established that two beers isdefinately my limit. ahem.

yesterday, I had dinner at the house of a ccouple of fellow students. they’re married with 3 kids. had quite a good eavening, even without my lihtwriter. we talked philosophy, I showed them my website. watched rich hall’s dvd.

god, I love uni!

no lightwriter

I’m afraid this is another ‘woe is me’ rant. my lightwriter broke on friday, and has to be sent for repar. So, this is it, no lightwriter all week, and, apart from esther, they don’t understand my voice. sorry to be such a drama queen, but this scares me. esther’s making me a letter board, which I used when I was ten, but such things are flawed. without my lightwriter, how will I proove to anyone that i’m anything other than a drooling moron. feel rather scared, but it’ll be an adventure.

No title

It has come to my attention that the following appeared on my friend kate’s blog:

“Perhaps 21 would also be a good age to learn how to spell!” if ever i find who wrote this, he or sshe would do well to hide. if, moreover, it is revealed to be one of mine own kindred, then I am ashamed. I would expect better. this really doe piss me off. Kate is bright, astute, and inteligent, and her spelling is nought save testimony to the abject failures of the special school system.

who wrote this?

making people cry (almost)

i was watching two of my friends playing pool last night, talking, and so forth. I still think its cool how accepted I am. however, at one point, my mate misses his shot.

“God! I’m being such a spastic tonight!”

“Oi!” I said, about to retort with something like “theres only one spastic around here”

but there was total silence. the poor fellow looked aghast, as if he had said something terrible. I really thought he was going to wet himself with fear. “oh god, oh god,

I’m so sorry matt!”

I just couldn’t keep my face straight. I howled with laughter – he looked as if he’d killed something..

what a noughty spastic I am.

hungry now

nobody has come to give me brekfast. this is worrying. without my shoes socks, lightwriter and umbag on, I can’t go get help. luckilly, I have plenty of food, including 2 pan au chocolat which a film studies tutor gave to me. the shoes might be more of a problem, and i find doing my clip of my lightwriter up simply impossible. oh gawd

lonely

y is it that not having spoken to becca all day leaves mee so lonely? i jusst have 2c ‘becca has just signed in’ and it warms my soul.

dear america

Do u not see what you’ve done here? Four more years of bush running roughshot over international law, making war as he pleases, will bring forth terrorist attacks that I dread to think of them. Your beloved country will become more and more a rogue as country after country is invaded on your petty whims.

You voted for this? Do you not see your savagery, your xenophobia, your stupidity? You voted for more war and bloodshed, more attacks, more savagery, all due to a misguided sense of patriotism.

So let the terrorists come. The more you attack, the more their numbers will swell. There is no brand of human marked terrorist – enrage anybody enough and they will fight. America has enraged many people, and they will come.

You fools. Do you not see you are being manipulated? The release of the bin laden message 5 days before the election was deliberately designed to cause a patriotic fervour, leading more people to vote for bush. I don’t know where that video came from – maybe tora bora, maybe the fox studios – but its effect could have been predicted. It could only inspire patriotic fevour, rather than fear, which would play right into bush’s hands. Bush knew this, Kerry knew this, and bin laden knew this. No doubt that video helped win bush the election, as well as his keeping America in a constant state of fear. It was this fear, and his vicious attacks on Kerry, which returned him too the white house, to make more war and ruin America.

I hope you’re proud.

i feel frustrated. still love becs tho, which makes everything seem ok!

of aliens and bunnies

In short, Wednesday ruled and was very dull at the same time. My new P.A came at 2pm, as predicted. The problem was, there was nothing to do: the film I wanted 2c wasn’t on anywhere in Cheshire, and poor Becs had a doctor’s appointment so I couldn’t go see her. I thought it necessary to give mark a tour of the campus, then we checked out the library to make sure “inside I’m dancing” wasn’t playing, which it wasn’t. In the end, I we borrowed a DVD of Alien from the library, and watched it on my computer.

However, I better explain something. Wednesday was the day of the Halloween disco, and I had packed my black leotard and a pair of thick tights in case I got chance to dress up. That morning, I had asked my home helper what I could wear with them, and she had bought a pair of pink bunny ears, bowtie and bob-tail for me. She said when the home helper came to give me my tea, she would help me change for the party.

But no home helper came, so I had to ask mark to give me my tea, and…err…I couldn’t waste the chance of going to the party dressed as a bunny girl, could I? Poor mark didn’t know what he’d got himself into! Oddly, though, he already knew the best way to put tights on, and a short while later, I was heading off to brandies bar, cute white tail attached to the back of my leotard by safety pin. I felt I looked pretty, and got many complements from the girls at the bar (most dressed as cats) and a few of the boys. My friends were very surprised, but I think they were cool with it.

However, better not wear my bunny girl outfit too often outside, as I am now nursing quite a bad cold. How girls do not die from the cold I do not know, but I must admit it was surprisingly comfortable. and yes, mum, i am doing SOME work.

PAPAPA

last night my parents came round to interview a prospective personal assistant. Things are already pretty cool here, bbut it’ll be nice to replace social services home help with my own helper. This wway I can get out more, say to the arthouse cinema iin stoke. Anyway, the interview went very well, and the vacancy was filled. Nice enough bloke, and I look forward to dealing with him.

It struck me tho, that when the time came to say goodbye to my parents, I didn’t start blubbing like I used to. Perhaps I’m getting more mature? err…perhaps not.