Feelings of freedom and Thanatos

Since graduation last week, I have felt an enourmous sense of freedom. It feels as if all my horizons are clear: my thesis is complete, graduation has been attended, the chapter is closed. All that is left is to kick back and enjoy myself. After all, after seven years work i think I deserve it. Time, then, to enjoy the city, and to that end today I went up to Stratford just to see how the Olympic park was evolving.

And yet, that feeling of freedom, pride and acomplishment is mixed with something else: a strange sense of emptiness; a nagging sense of what next? With my masters complete and my formal education over, what is there left to do. The fact that the Monty Python gig, something I was looking forward to for about a year, has been and gone only adds to the feeling of Thanatos. The joy of being able to say ‘I was there’ is counterbalanced by sadness innate in the sentence’s past tense: ‘was’.

But it is not Thanatos. Nothing has ended. Uni may be over and python may have sang their last song, but there is still plenty to look forward to. Indeed, I can’t go into detail but Lyn has something exciting in the pipeline at the end of August, and I have some stuff brewing with the Rix centre. Time, then, to enjoy the moment, drink a few beers and show my thesis to anyone who will look, but also to keep going, to ot stop. Great things may be behind me, but that does not mean that I have no more great things to look forward to: it means that even greater things are now possible.

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