I have had a bit of a strange day so far. Physically, it has actually been quite good: a nice, fresh, jam-filled breakfast followed by an interesting trundle to Lewisham. However, it was also one of those days when I have felt rather edgy about my absences. That is to say, throughout the morning I repeatedly thought I could feel one was about to happen, only to be fine. I’m not sure whether I imagine such feelings or not, but it makes me very nervous. I don’t suppose many other people will know what it feels like to suddenly get a dreadful sensation that you might to be about to loose all your sense of spatial awareness, and then come to around a minute later with a gap in your memory. My biggest fear is that something might happen during that gap, and I’d be totally unable to control or remember it. It’s an extremely disconcerting, unpleasant feeling: at the same time, I dread my absences, but when I feel like I did earlier I sort of want it to happen, simply so it can be over and I can get on with my day without worrying that I could suddenly blank out. This morning, however, I was fine in the end; the brief spasms of panic died away and I didn’t have an absence.

I used to keep such things to myself; I used to think it was better not to make a fuss and get on with life. After all, as I touched upon here, very few other people have such experiences so nobody would know what I was talking about; and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them anyway. Recently, however, there seems to be a growing trend in open about such things, especially online. More and more people are opening up about their disabilities and impairments, however minor. In the grand scheme of things, that’s probably very healthy. Why, then, shouldn’t I join them? If everyone else is now being so open, why keep my anxiety about my absences hidden? As I say, it’s a very unpleasant feeling; but it’s one I’ve always experienced every few weeks or so. Writing this won’t make such feelings go away, but nonetheless it feels good to be more open.