depression

A Dark Door

To be honest I can’t decide what I think about yesterday and the assisted dying debate. I thought briefly about going up to Westminster to check out the campaigners, but decided not to as it was too hot and I didn’t want to get worked up. It’s a complex, highly emotional issue: like many disabled people, I worry that legalising assisted suicide opens the door to many dark consequences, such as people being coerced into ending their lives too early. On the other hand, if people have a right to get help to do things they want to do, surely that includes committing suicide: logically we can’t only give people help if we approve of what they are doing.

It’s a dark, thorny issue. I love life: I love living, having fun, going travelling, doing all kinds of crazy things. The idea of ending that, throwing it all away, is noxious to me, particularly after having lost so many good friends, including Lyn, far, far too early. I know full well how dark life can get, but that also teaches me to relish it, and live it as fully and enthusiastically as possible. The notion that someone would choose to end their lives when the world is full of so much potential frankly sickens me. Thus I must admit that part of me was appalled by the sight of the ‘Dignity in Dying’ campaigners cheering on Parliament Square yesterday afternoon – why cheer for death when you should be putting your energy into helping people to live?

But again, this is something I don’t want to get too worked up about. It’s a fraught, emotional issue which people on both sides feel extremely strongly about. I might pop up to Westminster later, just to check what’s going on; then again, it might be a better idea just to go watch the cricket.

Absence Anxiety

I have had a bit of a strange day so far. Physically, it has actually been quite good: a nice, fresh, jam-filled breakfast followed by an interesting trundle to Lewisham. However, it was also one of those days when I have felt rather edgy about my absences. That is to say, throughout the morning I repeatedly thought I could feel one was about to happen, only to be fine. I’m not sure whether I imagine such feelings or not, but it makes me very nervous. I don’t suppose many other people will know what it feels like to suddenly get a dreadful sensation that you might to be about to loose all your sense of spatial awareness, and then come to around a minute later with a gap in your memory. My biggest fear is that something might happen during that gap, and I’d be totally unable to control or remember it. It’s an extremely disconcerting, unpleasant feeling: at the same time, I dread my absences, but when I feel like I did earlier I sort of want it to happen, simply so it can be over and I can get on with my day without worrying that I could suddenly blank out. This morning, however, I was fine in the end; the brief spasms of panic died away and I didn’t have an absence.

I used to keep such things to myself; I used to think it was better not to make a fuss and get on with life. After all, as I touched upon here, very few other people have such experiences so nobody would know what I was talking about; and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them anyway. Recently, however, there seems to be a growing trend in open about such things, especially online. More and more people are opening up about their disabilities and impairments, however minor. In the grand scheme of things, that’s probably very healthy. Why, then, shouldn’t I join them? If everyone else is now being so open, why keep my anxiety about my absences hidden? As I say, it’s a very unpleasant feeling; but it’s one I’ve always experienced every few weeks or so. Writing this won’t make such feelings go away, but nonetheless it feels good to be more open.