grr

i’m very tense tonight. my arms are going into moro quite frequently, and my back aches. bed early tonight.

the library still hasnt got the biography of chaplain i asked for. i”n not complaning – i still think its remarkablre that i have access to any book I want. its by knneth s. lynn, who wrote an excellent biography of hemingway i read three years ago. I l=ooked hynn up on google: he was a conservative, although not a hard liner. this has taught me academic briliance has no reguard for politics, and somene might be conservative and still be invaluable. yes, i know the fact that i ofthen forget this shows how polittically immature I am, but hey, i’m learning.

visiting mark and kat

this weekend, we went to visit kat amd mark in ushaw moor near durham. i like to visit my big bro – ok, we’ve dicagreed on one or two subjeeccts, but the fact remains that i’m dead proud of both my broothers. we got up early yesterday and drove up. i love car journeys – they give me a cjhance to read, think, etc.

got to their place – a smalll, homely terrace with fish – at about 11, and spwnt the rest of the day talking, wwatching football, drinking tea and readding my culture handout. m+k made a very nice lamb cobler, and I slept attheir place. (airbeds kick ass!)

this morning, mark helped me get dressed. it occcured to m that we hadn’t slept under the same roof since he left for oxford, when I was 15 or 16. hmm. I see far tooo little oof my brothers these days.. mum and dad slept in a local b+b.

having watched the australian open, we hadlunvh at a tres nice seaside resteraunt, ovvverlooking a calm north sea nder a blue sky. drove along the coast to the mouth of the tyne, round and back to shaw moor. we dropped m+k off, dad had a nap, and drove homee.

dad put radio 4 on. I must say the iraqi election seems to have gon ewell. I was against the invasion, but I believe democracy is the best form of government. for better or worse, iraq now has democracy, which is a good thing surely.

perhaps the yankss have been vindicated. hmm…

a king in new york

i’m currently working my way through the library’s collection of charlie chaplain films, and tonight I came across something quite, quite interesting. ‘a king in new york’ is one of chaplain’s later films – 1957, i think – and for once I was very impressed wwith it’s politicism. the film concernzs a depposed kingg who moves to new york. hre he’s a celebrity. while touring a school, he meets a young commnist, whose parents soon get tangled up in the mccarthy trials. the film has an anti-mccarthy feel, which given the times in which it was made, is both srprising and dangerous. chaplain himself was hauld in frront of those trials after the film was made, and I was surprised at the boldness of the film.

it’s certainly ignited my interest in ‘the little tramp’. i hope to get his biography from the library soon.

lonely

I fear the old addage is right – one can feel lonelyin a crowded room. for somee reason, i felt lonely at tonights disco. it started off ok – i went to the footie social, and had ben to the ffootie match earlier, but during the disco, i felt lonelyy. everyone was dancing, but i perched mmyyself on the pool table, watching. Fell off said table…bar staff madee executive dcision to send ‘matty’ home, couldn’t argue.

tired

stupid theatre

i ache. went to the theatre last niight, as my friend nick said there was something good on. “cool,” i thought, “a relaxing night at the theatre”. while the thing i saw was in the theatre, it was not a play. there were no seats; the audience walked around a big box in the middle of the hall while four actresses climbed in and out of it, sayiing random lines it seemed. at one point we were ushered inside the box for more random line saying. all I could gather is that it was about a robbery at an art gallery. all the audience had to stand for the duration, about an our.

i ache all over.

annies coming out

in litle over 4 days i have finnished a 250-page book, which I haven’t done in ages. its such a great book, by turns life affirming and heatbreakingly tragic. I regret to say that it has imbued me with a distrust of medical doctors – the evidencce that anne macdonald was intelectually competent was abundant, bbut still the doctors of st nickolas’ (the hospital where she lived) refused to believe that she was anything other than severely retarded. apparently, shee had estimatd the speed of light from watching the moon landings, and had worked out pythagoras from the nappies they put her in. how ironic. I myst say that ii admire annes courage, and rosemarry crossley is now simething of a personal hero.

if reports that some 600 kids are still in long stay hospital are correct, it is surrely my/our duty to free them. annes and roses sheer determination and stubbonaess proove tha such feets are possible. whatt a great book. now, however, i must get back to studying…

my week

this works aain, does it? good-o! well, better write something. first, libraries kick ass – been in the uni library lots this weeek. plus, they managed to get me a copy of the now out of print “annie’s coming out” from the british library. how cool is that?! its a seminal work on communication aids and disability rights; its also a bloody good read. I haven’t read for several hours straight since kenneth lynn’s biography of hemingway, but yesterday I read an entire afternoon away. bliss. next, alsager mmu won the interfaculty cup against man met. yaaay. went to see one of the football matches (boy’s 1sts), and we won 3-1. bill invited me along. yaay!

thursday night, the guys took me to a local pub for a bingo night run by a dubious-looking old man. had a great laugh making up on the spot poetry, chatting and getting drunk. last night, went to he charity disco in aid of the tsunami appeal. great fun. danced a lot. at one stage I had a girl on each arm. woohoo. pretty as [censored].

great fun!

maths

if, last year, I saw that A is possible for me, and B is ‘normallly’ almost always an outcome of A first time, then nature demands ,that i go through B. therefore i reallise that everything following a natural course of events, and I tke it as proof that everything remains possible for me.

I can smile again.

footie

lazy day today. been invited to a college footie match l8r, which I plan to go with mark s to. bill invited me. should be cool.

bought a copy of the independent today. we’re encouraged to do so for writing 1. needed a tabloid for purposes of dexterity, but i sure as hell aint gonna buy a trashy one. the lead today is on the courts marshal in iraq. we colonial british are back to old form, abusing native peoples in their own land. tea, anyone?

heart still hurts, but its on the mend. i feel rather cheerful. i can go back to ogleing girs without feeling guilty!

take-away

its pissing it down outside, and I’m sure as hell aint going out tonight. we just ordered a take-away pizza, kababs etc for our flat, to be picked up from reception by my home helper and unice, a mature a/b exchange student from oz who just moved in with us. i’m looking forward to a quiet night in,

with a little help from my friends

the bar was empty last ight. everyone goes to a nightclub monday, and I’d need a p.a for this. bar empty, I had an idea. I went over to kellet to see my friend jenny. I told her the situation and she offered to take me for free! also, it seems a few of the guys might be going to the lodge tonight, and they offered to take me. i had been feeling somewhat lonely all evening, but that little walk to kellet cheered me up.

cool cattle

Reading michael palin’ss books at http://www.palinstravels.co.uk never fails to cheeer me up. for various reason’s i’ve been feeling rather down. I simply cannot stop worrying about life on the ‘net, and what fairly random people across the atlantic think of me. phuk knows why I worry about it – I just do.

However, I’m currently reading himalaya. Palin makes me feel walm, seemingly assuring me that there is a world out there. the following paragraph made me laugh out lound, and I’ll smile all day.

“The fort where the horse-eaters held out is still there, sitting low on a promontory round which the muddy grey river swirls. Its 25-foot-high, 240-foot-long walls still stand, but they look a little sad, with plaster cracked and fallen away, revealing the bare bones underneath. Groves of tall trees loom over the bedraggled ramparts and beneath them contented cows chomp their way through fields of wild cannabis.” woo. high cows! thats some wild shit!

I need a holiday

told myself I wouldn’t go online today. told myself i wouldn’t even turn the pc on.the last through days of my online life have been rather stressful. i’ve been fairly stressed outt, and have been moocching around the house all mmorning. I have finally located the problem. its time to hoist sails, if only for a while.

i need a holiday. a good one. no more cheeshire, no mooree england, no more stupiid blog. no more worrying about spelling. I want to see mountains and rivers and lakes. i want to drink coffee in rio; sip fosters in sydney; see the amazon. Iwant to go on mighty ocian liners in carribean waters, and walk anong the animals of the massai. this morning, mum challaged me. if I can organise a holiday, she will pay for it. what an offfer! just point me towards the airport.

of course, by their own admission, the parents are getting to ond to pull me up the andies, so I need a PA. any vvolunteers for an all/most expenses paid trip to…whherever the pin lands on my atlas?

mark

last nights radio 4 programme on cosmolgy reminded me of how fortunate i am to have a genius of a brother. I guess I have forgotten that recently.Me and mark have had arguments over a few things – not least inclusive education – yet i love him. He’s the cleverest person I know. even though I doubt we’ll ever see eye to eye on one or two subjects, I still count im as a good friend. this, I think, Is the nature of true friendship, and I apply this principal to all friendzs and comrades.

Dunno why i said that, but it feels important.

radio 4

ahh…radio 4 rules! whatever theyre talking about, I find it innately relaxing. nothing was happening at the bar, so i came back hear, and, since nobody was online, i started to stream radio 4. they were talking about relativity, and i thought about mark.

1 thing tho – when ppl come online and start chatting, streaming breaks down. d’oh

bleugh

Yesterdays entry was silly. scratch that – yesterday was silly: I had a great afternoon in crewe with mark s., as I wanted to experience some cafe culture. Although mark pointed out that there was no such thing as cafe culture in cheshire as the mean age seems to be about 75, we went anyway, and spent a nice afternoon chatting and reading.

the silliness started in the evening. the usual disco was going, and I popped into brandies after tea. got the usual carling, sat at a table….went to talk to a few girls…they offered more beer…drank…talked more….bribed another beer from a girl whos e mum is one of my homecarers, and she doesnt want me to tell her mum she’s been smoking….drank ransom…more offers of beer. why couldnt I say no? mind, they were rather pretty,+ but, boy, do I have a hangover!

tad worried

okok, call me an insecure idiot, mut I havent heard from becca since ysterday morning. its worrying me, because i don’t know if she’s not talking to me for some reason, or is just busy. ok, I know full well she’s busy, but the thought that i’ve done something wrong keeps nagging at me. mind you, I havent heard from mark and luke for longer, and I’m not worrying about them.

I mean, this is silly: to my knowledge, I haven’t done anything to offend her, and I know she’ll be fine. guess I just miss her.

if your reading this, becs, just leav a message so I know all is ok: that goes for Luke, mark, dad, mum, uncle aki, cyril, and all the rest.

a pleasant afternoon

ahh – I missed that. I just spent a pleasant two hours looking through back issues of ‘screen’ in the library. Alan gave us a list of theorists/writers to look up, so I hit the shelves. believe it or not, I’m well known in the library: I like it there, and two hours just slipped by.

film is halfway between science and art. many writers treat it as a scieence – or, at least, a pseudoscience – proposing theories and models, most of which stem from marxist, or marxist-feminist tradition. this includes the frenh new wave. i am really looking forward to getting to grips with it – head stuck in a book, as the sounds of the library murmer and grow faint.

peace.

i’m back!

the second i walked into the canteen, it was like eric idle saying “cheer up bwian – you know what they say?” Suddenly, I felt happy again – people saying “happy new year, matt” or “thanks for that brandy”.I was among friends, able to go where I pleased. I chatted to trish, my culture lecturer, and all the worries of the world were gone. she made me laugh, for the first time in a couple of days, by telling me about her friends devil-cat; I told her about my worries, and she rminded me that everyone has such worries, not just cripples.

moping about the house for four weeks must have made me rather twisted and cynical. now I have all term here to look forward to: going to brandies, getting pissed, talking to friends, seeing two of everything. theres also lots of interesting work to do, essays to write, films to watch. I have soome great books to read, including “the history of tilm” by mark cousins. I began this on saturday, and it promises to be a very intereesting read.

so, in short, I feel back to my old self – no more moping, feeling sorry for myself: if i do, you know its high ime I headed for Brandies.

shannon

you are clearly a clever person. I like to think I am too. We can both see the absurdity of this: flame wars are something which ‘leet haxers’ – or whatever they name themslves – conduct, in a bizarre version of lip-flashing.

we are both university studentss. I am, admittedly, an arts student, but i have a firm belief in the socratical method. I would be more than willing to debate this issue through other channels if you wish. To be sure, I do not rightly see what i wrote on my blog which got yoou so adgitated.

I will, however, amit that I myself got upttight earrlier: although they do mollycoddle me, I do not take well to my parents being abused. my behaviour was indeed immature.

Talk online soon?

Myright to interpret

as a blogger, I have a right to extract what I will from other people on the net. i can interpret their work as i see fit, as I did yesterday with la guerra. Of course all fictional work is open to interpretation, and, according to most literary theory, this interpretation may not necessarily agree with the original author’s. moreover, once a work is out in public, it belongs to the public, not some irate premenstrual author. she knows who I am addressing, and on her LJ La Guerra has effectively declared aa flame war. well, she has one, and I will teach her not to make some stupid accusations

Crip noir

Some of the most poetic lines I have ever read have also been the darkest; two of the most interesting characters I have come across have been the bitterest. What can be more bitter than the following lines from Anne MacDonald:

“Ghosts haunt me; ghosts of crying children, children who were unwanted and unloved. They had been rejected because they were imperfect. Unfortunately there was no guarantee, no warranty period during which unsatisfactory goods could be returned to maker for repair and replacement. Nobody wanted them, but they were alive and so must continue to live with no future, no family, and no friend but death.”

Yet there is a dreadful poeticism in these lines. Her lines, and the writings of la Guerra, put one in mind of film noir, where there is beauty in darkness. There is nothing romantic in these lines, and I can think of nothing more savage short of the concentration camps to describe how Anne was treated, yet I seem eager to express these feelings on film.

In Rebecca Stanhope, La Guerra ha made this wonderfully bitter character. She seems sumptuous ant textured, and there is something of the night in her. She is incredibly strong of soul, as Anne had to be – how else would she stay sane, or indeed alive, through fourteen years in an institution? They both send shivers down my spine:

“Time was when the strongest emotion I felt was hate, and hate makes you strong. Tender emotions were dangerously softening. Implacable hatred of the whole world which hunted handicapped children into middens like St Nicholas twisted my relationships with people for years”

the above line was expressed by Anne, but it could equally have come from the mouth of Stanhope. In writing this, I am not intending to demean or make light of Anne’s experiences. Her descriptions haunted me for several nights, but as one interested in film and fiction, I cannot fail to see the potential in the power of stories such as hers. This applies equally to fact or fiction, but what is so compelling about annes story is that it is true, and what is compelling about La Guerra’s is that the detail is grounded in the truth. Imagine such a line being orated in a southern drawl, or by Anthony Hopkins.

It goes without saying that such lines go hand in hand with the experiences which forge them. Were we to have dramatis personae like Miss Stanhope in films, they and their histories should in no way be sanitised. Audiences should be shown the realities of special school, or the institution so that they can understand where these characters came from. What regular film goer can understand being shut away in an institution when one has committed no crime, and only being taken outside once in fourteen years? Very few, I suspect.

The fact remains that these experiences make for strong characters which would add texture to films. They are undeniably dark, and more than a little bleak, but within darkness there can be beauty. Take, for example, the character of Snape, whose appeal derives almost souly derives from his dark, bitter aspect. The Mise-enscene associated with him employs only blacks and dark blues, which offset Rickman’s handsomeness. The same, I would argue, could work for equally dark characters: imagine the low purr of wheelchair motors along a darkened corridor. Indeed, part of the greatness of la Guerra’s story is that she uses Stanhope to shed light on Snape by paralleling the two bitter characters. Here one can see the potential of what I am saying.

I may not be expressing myself too well tonight. My thoughts on this subject are still forming. I am by no means saying that all crips on TV should be bitter – indeed, I very much subscribe to the ‘incidental disability’ model – but I also see great potential in portraying these realistically dark characters in film. I feel they would add texture to the medium.

This year I want to start work on defining the mise-en-scene where this can be achieved: what music, lighting etc would accompany such dark characters? Hmm…

fanfic, then a rant

I spent most of today brushing up on cinematography and msning with becca. believe it or not, we’re communicating as much as ever, but we’ve got round to discussing issues rather than how we can next meet. dont get me wrong, I’d still love to see her now and then, but it doesnt seem that pressing now. Anyway, it is through our dscussions on miles peasegood that we can refine our ideas on itergration, and it helps with my writing too. we can throw about ideas, and becca can iron out gaps in my knowledge..

to change the subject, tonight on channel 4 there is a program on belief, and tomorrow the bbc is showing jerry sprringer – the musicaal. both have been ttacked by the religious for their blasphemy, especially the latter. not to offend anyone but how can people still believe in god. the week before last, 100,000+ wwere killed in a tsunami; i posted a link here on sunday to the site of a woma who was institutionalised age three till she was 18, denied the ability to speak, move, or even go outside. it was sickening. Now, I’m sorry, but how can people still believe in a loving God? where was god for annie Mcdonald. are these ‘believers’ mad? rosemarry Crossley is a truly great, great person, but she was not sent from god, for if she was, why did anne have to wait so long for her?? and what of the tsunami? how could he allow that?

what gets me are these christian fundimentalists, especially in the states. Creaionists who rejeccs darwin. i mean, how can so many people simultaneously loose the ability to think? ok, rant over.

For Becs

If threes one thing miss Stanhope, miss McDonald and the people of southern Asia teach me, it is the strength of the human spirit. The human heart is a strong muscle indeed, but in the dark watches of last night, I thought mine would break. Last night Becca called it off.

Of course, she can no more deny her heart than I can deny mine. She does not love me, and so she had to call it off. Monday night it seemed I wanted something she could not give, and I must respect that. But it doesn’t stop it from hurting. Badly.

A strange watery light streams through my window: quite a lovely day. The sun has risen, and there will be others. None like becs, for she was one in a million. We agreed to remain friends: speak online, perhaps see each other now and them, but I still feel kind of empty. Its as if my fears of being alone have been confirmed (although Becca did the opposite).

This morning, over breakfast, a thought occurred to me. If Becca cannot be my girlfriend, but I still love her and she still likes me, what can she be. At that moment, I smiled, for Luke was telling me of his break-ups while making my breakfast. What kind of relationship contains love, but not of the mad passionate kind?

The love expressed between siblings is strong indeed. I have known Luke and mark to traipse halfway across the country for me, and I would gladly do that for Becca (or get someone to take me). Thus, if Becca consents to be my honorary sister, I’ll be quite happy.

Oh well. I knew it had to end sometime, and as mum pointed out last night “it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all”. This is certainly true, and while we were together, Becca showed me how wonderful life can be. I know now what love feels like: I know why Shakespeare wrote the sonnets, and why all the greatest things in life were made: love is the greatest emotion of them all, and it is also, I now realise, why I have t let her go.

On her livejournal, beccs asks for my forgiveness. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, to forgive her for, save if one has to apologise for re-igniting ones faith in humankind. I still have a warm feeling when I think of her, but I have a feeling of equal strength, this time of worry, when I hear Luke’s bike rev up. What I’m trying to say is that I would like to count becs now as my sister. Might I remind her, though, that sisters sometimes come for tea.

cry freedom

There are dark things in the depths of the earth: dark things that most people are oblivious to. Children crying, unable to respond to the question ‘what’s the matter?’ people closed into institutions, where time and custom gradually forces the spark of life to flicker and die. Thus people become trapped in their bodies – prisons in which they await death, for without voices they have no escape.

School was such a place. The pace of life there was lethargic and slow. It was a place which drained many kids of life, and taught them to accept fate, failure, and life in a metaphorical cage. Many kids went from there into homes, or graves.

But no! I will let this happen no longer. I will get my degree – that is my first priority, and second love after becs – but I will not let any more kids be allowed to rot! The special school system must be destroyed, and children must be allowed to flourish among their piers. This will take time, money, and Imagination, but it will be done. By King, and by Mandella, it will be done.

Let those who doubt this come forward: risistance is futile!

tsunami relief

Let me preface this by saying that I am not anti-American. I rather like our American cousins: after all, most very cool things come from the states, like Hendrix, star trek, and so on. I love great American writers, like Hemingway and twain. Most of my favourite films were at least funded by US studios. And I still intend to drink cocktails in key west one day.

but last night Luke showed me the most fascist thing I had ever read, and it stemmed from a writer in California. The united states, it argued, should not give relief money to help fund recovery after the tsunami in the Indian ocean because the people there had not earned it. That money belonged to the people of the united states, and had been taken from US citizens. Thus it was not the governments money to give. Since the people of the US wouldnt get anything back, why should their money be given away?

What fool wrote this? Was he even human. Over 100,000 dead, many more needing help, and he still cant see past the nose on his arrogant face! He questions the right of the US government whose swift action on this is surely commendable to give away tax payers money. How this pah tok can even write intelligibly baffles me. Sickening, isnt it?