deeply ashmed

I still feel rather shaken up about this, and it has affected me more than I thought it would. Lyn and I have a bit of a mouse problem in our kitchen, so we laid down traps. Mitchel got us a variety of traps, one of which was a sticky bit of card: when the rodent ran over it, he would get stuck. Yesterday morning, then, Marta inspected the trap, and found a small white mouse suck to it, alive and struggling to free itself. She called me into the kitchen, looking scared – she said she couldn’t handle it. We didn’t know what to do.

Even now I’m shaking as I type. I had no choice but to carry out what I now think was the most horrible, base and abhorrent thing I have ever had to do: taking the hammer Marta had handed to me, I bashed the poor little fuckers brains out and took the whole sticky mess to the outside bin. I felt utterly sick -for the first time I had directly ended a mammals life in a truly violent way. I know I had little choice, but I instantly felt deeply deeply ashamed, horrified to realise that it was so easy to end a life.

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