Cerebral Palsy certainly does weird things to you when it comes to emotion. I’ve mentioned my rages once or twice recently, describing how my intense anger at the referendum result erupts in a fit of bile, swearing and table-banging. I also think I’ve mentioned my ”squealing” once or twice on here too: how, when I’m happy or excited about something, I make strange screeches or screams – joyous little noises which are almost infant-like. I was thinking about both recently, and it occurred to me that they must be two sides of the same coin. If, as I’ve been told, other people with CP have the same anger problems I do, then it stands to reason that the rages and the squeals are all part of the same issue. Another piece of the jigsaw slots into place.
My squealing probably sounds a bit odd, but it is not a problem. What worries me is how angry I’ve been getting recently – my rages are getting worse. I just erupt. I know I need to calm down and be sensible, and that such pure anger never gets anyone anywhere; yet I can’t seem to help it. For a moment all I can feel is hate, and all I can do is shout and bang my fists. I really need to do something about these moments – they must look so immature, like child’s tantrums; and I’m sure it scares Lyn, or at least pisses her off. She doesn’t seem to have these issues. But what can I do when, as I now realise, such expressions of emotion are tied directly to my disability.