cinephilia inna nutshell

This afternoon I watched Casino Royale for the umpteenth time. I just fancied a bit of 007. o.k, he’s a misogynist pig, and lord knows what he’d think of me ad my girlfriend, but there’s something in Flemings character which appeals. That is the nature of cinephilia: it is a love which goes beyond comprehension and articulation, yet paradoxically forces one to reflect. I cannot explain why I love bond, but I feel the need to explain my love to legitimise it. So in effect in the process of the explanation I must explain that I cannot explain. See why I’ve taken 2 years ant 31500 words to write this thesis.

Physics is easy!

thee rise of far-right stupidity

Our van has its MOT today, so dad dropped me off here at uni nice and early. It’s good, because it gives me a chance to jot a few things down before the day starts – I don’t like not having blogged, if that’s grammatically correct.

Now, something happened this weekend online which has been playing on my mind. A week or so ago, a guy from school by the name of Simon M* added me on facebook. This guy was two or three years above me, and I knew him mostly by reputation. At first, I thought it was cool; even though Simon and I had never got on at Hebden, a lot of time has passed since those days, and I assumed we would both have grown.

However, I soon noticed something was not right. On his page, this guy spoke of being proud of being British, and keeping the land ‘ours’ (whoever ‘we’ are supposed to be). On its own I could let that slip – perhaps he’s just patriotic. Yet yesterday I noticed this guy had signed up for being a fan of Adolf Hitler.

I sent him a message saying that I found that neither witty nor intelligent. I like jokes; my sense of humour can even be fairly dark at times. But I find nothing funny about the cold-blooded murder of six million innocent people. moreover, I find nothing worth glorifying about fascism. The way in which this guy then deleted me from his friend list would seem to imply that he didn’t just do it for laughs though: something tells me that Simon M actually believes this crap. Truth be told, from what I remember of him, I wouldn’t put it past him.

What gets to me is the sstupidity of it. A few days ago I saw a picture of a bunch of scallies giving the nazi salute. I truly doubt that these people have any idea of the true implications of their politics. They seem to have a few outdated ideas concerning masculinity and nationalism lodged in their peanut-brains, but seem unable to perceive the ramifications and contradictions inherent in them. They listen to people like Nick Griffin talk about protecting the rights of the British people over immigrants, but haven’t the intelligence to realise that what he says has no basis in reality. For example, I saw griffin on T.V a few weeks ago saying that, if every culture mixed they would all loose their distinctiveness. WRONG. Rather than all turning grey and muddy, they remain distinct but blend at the edges. Chicken tikka masala anyone?

Thus I am becoming very concerned about how many people – mostly uneducated white males with short hair – have latched on to these baseless ideas and refuse to listen to any opposing argument. To them, of course, we’re the wrong ones or the sell-outs or the traitors. We haven’t realised what they have. How do you talk sense into people who refuse to listen?

*A different person to anyone mentioned on here befdore.

missing the social aspect

I suppose one of the worst things about forgetting to go to 1voice on Saturday was that I missed out on he social aspect of things. The truth is I like being in the company of other crips; there aren’t many around alsager. I have a great many friends, and they accept me for who I am. Yet in the company of able-bodied people, I’m always the odd one out – the one who needs help, or the one who slows down the conversation. While neither I nor any of my friends have a problem with this (I’m not complaining, just stating facts) it’s nice sometimes to be in company where you aren’t the odd one out. I think that’s partly why Lyn is an ideal partner for me. At Onevoice I’m not the only crip in the village. In fact I’m in the majority for a change, which is a rather nice feeling. I like conversations with people in similar positions to mine. This is complicated, and relates back to the old ‘us and them’ debate; it could also, I suppose, be distorted into an argument against inclusion, so we must be careful. But the bottom line is, I get a sense of belonging at Onevoice.

proper use of the phrase ”fuck off”

Something happened earlier and I’m feeling rather guilty about it. Around two this afternoon, I was sat at the bus stop outside Crewe campus. I was quite deep in thought – about Lyn, my thesis, 1voice, lunch – and generally minding my own business. Suddenly, this old woman comes up to me. She took me by surprise enough to make me jump. She had this dog in her arms which she wanted me to pat. It was a small thing; the type which most call cute and dad calls rat-dogs. Now, I have no interest in dogs, and so the way in which this woman had assumed I wanted to pat the damn thing just because I was sitting in a wheelchair struck me as highly patronising, this, together with the shock, elicited a string of ”fuck offs” from me.

”I just thought you might like to pat the doggy.” She said.

The use of the word ”doggy” rather than ”dog” pissed me off even more: ”Fuck off fuck off fuck off” I said. She did. I instantly felt guilty. She was just an old woman with a dog. I suppose I should have patted it like a good little cripple. On the other hand, would she have asked any other guy at a bus stop to pat her mut? Why do people just assume I like to stroke little animals? If you ask me, if we are going to show people that we are individuals rather than things to be pitied, such language is sometimes necessary.

I’ve fucked up

I feel stupid and angry at myself. As you can probably tell from the comments to my previous entry, 1voice was Saturday. I’m crap at dates so I forgot. I guess I’ve become so wrapped up in this academic world that I let other things – things that matter – slip. Now I’ve let my 1voice friends down, wasting their money. I have emailed Tamsin and the two Katies offering my resignation (if that’s the right word). So much for being a role-model; after all, who would want to model themselves on someone who forgets something so important?

i’m open to suggestions

It seems a lot is happening here at once. I’m in the process of finishing my thesis (if Alan wants footnotes, I’ll give him footnotes*); Lyn is trying to find us a home in Chester, although I’m not being very helpful with that; I’m trying to find out how long I can stay at uni etc. I’m in two minds about this – part of me wants to go home for a rest and to forget about my thesis, but I tend to get bored pretty quickly. What I’d prefer to do is finish my thesis and go stay with Lyn in London until chester is sorted. But that would cause all kinds of problems with packing, transport, getting all my kit down there, etc. I’m not sure what to do, or how to go about this sensibly. Plus, I have Onevoice sometime this summer. What a mess.

* 20 in the first seven pages.

starting the ball rolling

Smeg I am knackered. I just got in from Chester after a fairly long day. As planned, I met Lyn at Chester railway station, and together we went to the council housing offices. There we filled in a joint application for a home. So that’s it; what last week was a rather hazy idea in my head is becoming concrete. I know it’s not that simple, and this will take ages to come to fruition, but I feel more prepared than eveer to take up real independence.

this is serious!

Holy pigcrap she’s serious. The cross-eyed one and I are going to meet in Chester tomorrow in order to go see the council about finding a home. This has me in two minds: while I greatly admire Lyn’s enthusiasm, I’m not used to acting this quickly on anything, particularly without consulting dad and mum. Lyn seems to know what she’s doing, even if I don’t. I just thought we were going to just ask the council a few questions, but apparently I need to take my NI number. Oh my. Don’t get me wrong, I really wanna live with Lyn, but, you know.

Seems Lyn Levett is finally dragging me into adulthood.


Not much happened today, but I’d like it made clear that electric wheelchairs cannot go faster than bikes or those silly two-stroke scooters. So, if you own either of these things, and you see me, do not try to race me. I know you’ll win, and I don’t care. I will, however, think you are an idiot and ignore you, for you are a stupid little chav with an IQ of a rodent. Please stop pestering me – I have no interest in racing you. This is all. Good night.

each time lyn leaves

It gets harder each time Lyn leaves. Every time I see her onto the bus or train, I feel a sudden emptiness. It’s as if everything suddenly stops and is still after being in action. We had a great weekend together – last night’s curry was delicious, but the live music I’d been told was on wasn’t, ‘though we had fun anyway. It’s amazing how quickly I get used to having Lyn around: so much so that when she goes, I really feel her absence. Oh well; tonight I’ll have a quiet night in, then early to bed. I’m shattered!