Barely a week and a half into the new term and I’m already quite exhausted. If I’m not in here, writing, I’m in the library or the wes reading. That’s if I’m not zooming about all over Cheshire: Sunday Hanley, yesterday evening in thee coachmakers in stoke. Today I went to see lee and Phil in winsford. Plus I’m going round in circles with research: trying, essentially to pin down and articulate id impulses, which according to Freud are inarticulatable. To draw a parallel with cosmology, it’s like trying to look for dark matter with a torch.

Anyway, I have a meeting tomorrow at noon with Alan. I need a good night’s sleep. Uni continues to be exhilarating.

The wes is back on normal opening hours from today onwards, which is good because I don’t have to eat any more microwave meals for dinner. However, I was in there this morning and I saw that the cafe bar is now permanently shut. This is, or was, a hatch in the wall in the cool side of the wes where one could buy things like paninis, decent coffee, salads, fresh o.j and so on. My friends and I always used to sit round there to talk, listening to the pannini count, for hours at a time. Now it’s been shut do to staff reductions; and I cant help but mourn the passing of an era. The move to Crewe, which this is all part of, is very wrong indeed.

Oh yeah, in other news, I got rob a parking permit today. He’s now rather happy.

Something slightly more pertinent to the subject of this blog has happened. Rob, my neighbour who works as one of my P.As (very handy), sometimes parks his car on the grass just outside our flat. He doesn’t have a blue badge, which would enable him to use the nearby parking bays, so he has to park there when he’s taking me places etc. security, however, don’t like this. they say rob can’t park on the grass anymore. But if he uses one of the disabled bays, it’ll be a sixty quid fine. The main car park is the other side of campus, and I can’t walk that far.

The obvious solution is for me to ask security if rob could have some kind of permit, like my morning staff do, so we’re going over to the security lodge tomorrow to sort this mess out. I feel, frankly, rather guilty about it.

I have been watching the bbc adaptation of The Diary of Anne Frank over the net. It truly is a gut-wrenching film. I am struck, most of all, by the eloquence of this little girl; but also by the irony which must have been added by the film makers. Anne wonders, for example, whether she will be remembered in the future. The film has a poignant – I might say punctic – quality; never before has one girl spoken for an entire people, yet Anne frank, in a way, does. Speaking as a member of a minority, opressed or not, I think we would all do well to listen to her.

It is bitterly cold out. I just went to sainsbury’s to get stuff for tonight, and nearly frose to death! I was considering going out for the afternoon, but I might stay home, at least for a while. All being well, rob’s going to cook some spaggy bog tonight, and I have a nice red wine to go with it. For now, though, I have a nice warm cup of tea, several books, the internet, and a mound of chocolate, so I’m happy.

Are we really supposed to buy this? Are we supposed to believe that an unmanned drone has killed some al-qa’ida leader, whose name we have never before heard, and not think it’s some cynical attempt by bush to boost enthusiasm for the war on terror? Are we supposed to believe them, despite having no way to confirm their reports? Are we really supposed to ignore the coincidence, the fact that the people telling us such things are unlikely to have any means of confirming what they are saying, or that what they are telling us has more than a whiff of propaganda to it? And are we still supposed to believe that we are not being manipulated?

They’re treating us like idiots.

Me and Lyn were talking online last night, and we worked out that we’ve known each other for just short of a year. It has flown by very quickly, and it seems like last week that I got my first email from her. Frankly, I find myself falling deeper and deeper in love with Lyn, dreaming about her, thinking almost constantly about her.

I must admit I had my concerns about this relationship. Where was it going? Lyn is so much older than I am; she lives so far away. Then, last week, I realised that such things do not matter. Lyn is a great person, utterly unique yet so much like me. I find myself daydreaming, sometimes, of settling down in a large house where we can just be ourselves. Of course, we still have much to work out between us, but right now I’m very happy in the ‘relationships’ department.

Its been rather a slow day. I went out briefly earlier up the village, but other than that I’ve spent the day in my room. I found a cool Jenkins lecture on Youtube, which is vaguely related to my work. His concept of participatory culture interests me, and it’s certainly on the forefront of cultural studies, but whether it has links to cinephilia as it is dealt with academically remains to be seen. I’m afraid of shoehorning concepts into my work which don’t necessarily fit. The question remains over whether ‘fans, bloggers and gamers’ fettishise the contingent. Problem is, I have yet to see sufficient evidence that they do.

I know that Israel has nothing to do with my blog, and have no special expertise on middle-eastern politics, but I can’t help getting very angry at this. how can anyone now claim that Israel is justified in its actions, when it issues air strikes at schools? These are not the actions of a responsible nation, and sanctions should be placed on Israel immediately. I cannot help but be horrified at what is happening, and astounded that some morons still think Israel is doing the right thing.

Something very stupid has happened. And I’m not sure I want to tell you. It’s embarrassing – yes, even more embarrassing that my usual alcohol- and nylon- fuelled antics. I have come back to uni a week too early. Why I thought I started back today I’m not too sure, but I was certain I was due to come back today. My parents were too, but I think they just wanted shot of me lazing around the house. Campus is empty, the wes is on holiday hours, but at least Rob’s here and the library’s open. It’ll give me chance to get some work done.

My parents have just set off with mark and Kat to the airport. Pretty soon, I should start packing up ready to go back to uni. In a way, I’m looking forward to it, but I could also do with one more week of Christmas holiday. I like being at home, relaxing, and watching bond films on the big screen. Mum’s a very good cook, and I’ve enjoyed eating some proper food these past two weeks. I’ve also managed to see both my brothers, both grandmothers, Charlie, and, of course, Lyn this holiday, so I’m happy.

I think it is time to head back; it’s time to pick my work up where I left off – assuming, of course, I can remember where that is. Truth be told, I’m rather missing

Esther, Ricardio and rob, and indeed all my friends. I’m looking forward to seeing Esther on Friday; to dinner times with Rob; to rehearsals with Ricardio. I’m looking forward to old boys too: I seem to have fallen out of touch with a few of my best friends, like Emma, Steve, and Chris flackett.

On a similar note, I need to get my arse over to winsford again soon. I’m eager to re-establish contacts with Donno and Phil. We still haven’t had that long overdue beer. Perhaps Mayer can drive us over one Tuesday.

So it seems I have a lot to look forward to. Charlotte mentioned a thing with disabled children at her school which she wants me to be involved with, so I need to follow that up. I also have trips to Paris (with Charlie) and Rome (with Lyn) to plan. All in all, should be quite an interesting term.

Bush has confirmed his lack of intelligence in condoning Israeli aggression in Palestine. How can anyone fail to see that Israeli reprisals are completely disproportionate. The fool, and all his mindless, unthinking, narrow-minded supporters, obviously has no sense of history. Using his logic, the American war of independence was unjustified and illegitimate, and America should still be ruled from London. Thank fuck that retard will soon be out of the white house, where he had little right to be in the first place.

Things seem to be going from bad to worse in Israel, with Hamas now promising a ‘day of wrath” in retribution for Israel’s actions. The cycle of violence seems to have started up again after a brief lull. What gets me, though, is how Israel acts all innocent, claiming to be the victim; don’t they don’t realise is that they are causing

the situation by issuing air strikes on largely civilian areas. To me, the Israelis are the aggressors in this situation here for acting so disproportionately. The Palestinians throw a few petrol bombs; the Israelis respond with cruise missiles and jet fighters.

I’m not saying that I condone hamas or its actions. One of it’s stated aims is to destroy Israel, and it denies the holocaust ever happened. But Israel, as a democracy, has to be held to account for it’s war crimes and totally unjustified actions. It uses the ‘war on terror’, it’s closeness to the u.s, and a little residual western guilt, to get away with murder.

1.finish MA

2.decide what to do after MA

3.be better to Lyn

4.travel lots 5.catch brandy

I realise that I may have given some the impression, the other day, that I believe we crips should be tame and submissive. I assure you now this is not the case. The more we stand up for our rights, the better. And the last thing I want is for us all to lay down and accept fate passively.

But what I object to is those in the disabled community who think the world is out to get them. This talk of hatred, this talk of oppression, is neither healthy nor accurate. Without a doubt, we crips face obstacles – steps, heavy doors, etc – but these are not tokens of manifest aggression towards disabled people.. the world is changing, but it hasn’t changed quite enough yet. For example, there’s this door in the canteen at uni; it’s wooden, and I always had trouble opening it in my chair. However, after I had broken it five or six times, uni twigged that it would be easier and cheaper to fit a door opening button than to keep having to replace the glass in the door. I didn’t have to say a word, just to keep trying tto use the door.

My point is there is more than one way to skin a cat, and also that, just because we may face certain obstacles,, it does not mean we are oppressed. Some talk of suffering, but how is it suffering to live in one of the most affluent nations on earth? I just think it’s time some of us lost the chip on their shoulder, stopped thinking the world was against them, and grew a sense of perspective.

We just got home after visiting my Greek gran in London, I managed to spend three out of our four days down south at Lyn’s. well, I couldn’t waste the opportunity to see my girlfriend, could I? despite the temperature, we had a great time; I think we both enjoy each-other’s company very much.

Lyn lives in her own bungalow with Boomba, the cat. She has a good set of personal assistants. Frankly, it got me thinking: maybe one day I’ll have something similar. I think visiting Lyn’s opened my eyes a bit. I also got to see a bit more of the capital.

Anyway, I have unpacking to do and tea to drink. But managing to go see Lyn has given me a sense of satisfaction.

I suppose it has been some time since I wrote anything of considerable length. The truth is I’ve been rather busy, what with the brazil trip followed by Christmas. I don’t write much about disability issues any more – not that I did much in the first place – because I think I’ve lost interest. Frankly, I’m disillusioned with the entire disabled movement with it’s in-fighting and endless talk of victimisation. They talk and talk about how ‘we’ are persecuted minority, about how we suffer, without actually doing much. While I agree that disabled people are still at a disadvantage in some areas of life, I do not think this is cause to say that we are a repressed minority. Sometimes, the community remind me of a load of emo-kids moaning about how bad life is. They go on and on about how we need to fight and so on, but what they do not realise is such talk ostracises us.

Then they accuse me of not being politicised. I am highly political, but in my own way. Indeed, everything is political on some level. It’s just that, when I look at some of the pessimistic lachrymose tripe some people come out with, about how we are hated and repressed, I start to think ‘oh get over yourself’. I get the impression that they think they are speaking for us all, which really gets up my nose. There seems to be some sort of in-crowd in the disabled community, which I cant figure out how to get into. This annoys me.

the computer made 2 pposts instead of one. dunno why. might as well use this oppertunity to wish you all a mery christmas. hope its a good one.

We now have the unfortunately named nintendo Wii. Luke and my parents are currently downstairs playing on it. It certainly appears to be a most impressive bit of technology: you can even get the internet on it. We all love the novelty of the ability to access email or even this website from the comfort of the downstairs sofa.

As for myself, though, it looks far too fiddily for me to use. The controller looks especially difficult; give me my extended keyboard and rollerball any day. And as for that balance-board, it looks like a disaster waiting to happen when it comes to yours truly. Mind you, I’d love to have a go on that steering wheel thing.

The wii thing causes another problem, though: it ties up the big TV so I can’t watch james bond. I now have the entire collection every bond film, except quantum of solace, on DVD. They’re in a box set. How cool is that? Mind you, at the rate they’re going, I won’t be able to use the TV to watch them until sometime next year. Silly wii.

I read with disgust this morning how the pope has condemned homosexuality as being just as much a threat o humanity as deforestation. As a bisexual currently in a very happy relationship with a trans-girl, these comments strike me as the ravings of a lunatic old man out of touch with the modern world. Indeed, if you think about it, one of the biggest threats to humanity is the anti-contraceptive attitude of the catholic church. The earth is over-populated, so it beggars belief that contraception should be prevented in some areas.

Perhaps I’m getting too Dawkinsian, but isn’t it time we realised that religion is ultimately bad? I see it as a bunch of fairy-stories designed to keep power in the hands of a few stupid old men. I mean, talking snakes? World-wide floods? It’s bollocks. Yet some old nazi in Rome, who claims to be speaking for god, comes out with the most abhorrent, bigoted hogwash, and yet is listened to. I’m sorry if this offends any of my readers, but when you look at this objectively, it really is stupid.

This old man’s comments have upset me in their bigotry and their hypocrisy. Why should we have to listen to such idiotic crap? Okay, I know I have no right to tell people what to think; and I know many people who draw great strength from their faith. Far be it for me to try to take that away from them. I just think it is wrong to mix politics and religion – the two should remain separate or else they destroy each other.

I just waved Charlie off, after a very pleasant afternoon together. It was good to have her here after I have visited the Jones household so many times; it seemed only fair that I returned the gesture. Also, I derive a certain satisfaction from bringing my friends here – it feels rather like completing something. We mostly spent the afternoon here, although we went out to a local pub for a beer and a natter. I really did need to catch up with gossip; as I predicted, she set a few things out in my head

Charlie couldn’t stay the night – Charlie being Charlie, she had other engagements tonight. But I look forward to her calling again, and we’ve set the ball rolling on a few plans. Also, I think mum liked c’s company too, especially when she played the piano for us.

Ahh…peace.

Mark and Kat are here. I think it’s the first time I’ve seen them since the summer, and it feels good to once again see my older brother sitting at the kitchen table. It is a truly rare event these days; I just popped up here to check my email and type my blog entry before the evening’s excesses.

Come tomorrow, Luke will be here in the evening with yan. C is popping in mid morning too so I have a busy day. Having said that, I’m enjoying the relative calm of home – it feels so cozy and snug, as if it has barely changed since I was a child. Indeed, tomorrow I’ll be able to show charlotte the very room where I was born (assuming its ok with mum and dad). No matter how far I may roam, in my chair or on horseback, this place will always be my fixed point of reference, my north star. I guess this means I’m just a big kid.

Truth is I have a bit on my brain. My master’s is going well, and I’m still very interested in it; yet the question remains about what I’ll do after. I’m also in a quandary about my..well, lets say other areas of my life which it would be imprudent to write about here just yet. There are things I need to consult my family and friends about – things I do not know how to handle. Coming here, back home, I’ll be in the best position to do this.

Certain pictures of appeared on Facebook of me on something called a horse. For those of you who do not know, horses are like wheelchairs, but with legs instead of wheels, and a guy with a rope instead of a joystick. This enables them to go over rough terrain. As such I am considering getting one instead of a new chair, although I suspect uni might not approve.

Joking aside, I rode my uncle’s horse while out in brazil. It’s a tired old animal, whose age is beyond reckoning and whose name nobody knows; but it lives on uncle David’s farm and proved very useful last week. There was no way we could get my manual chair across such rough ground, but on horseback I had no problem.

Getting me onto its back was a slight issue, but once I had worked out how to keep myself up there, it really was rather fun. I last rode when I was about five, as part of a riding for the disabled scheme at school: the logic behind such things is still a mystery to me – perhaps they were planning to make a cripple cavalry regiment in the hope of spastics on horseback might confuse the enemy into surrender. Anyway, this time, under the blazing brazilin sun, I had a great time, and, just to myself, decided on a name for the tired old horse.

The only name befitting such a noble animal: I named it Shadowfax, after the lord of all steeds.

For some reason dad does not like Cat Empire. I came home for Christmas yesterday, and my father set up my PC this morning. Of course this meant I immediately loaded up Winamp and put on some tunes while I caught up with emails. Dad, meanwhile, got on with other stuff, like decking the halls. All was going well until I put on cat empire. I don’t know why dad doesn’t like CA – frankly, they have more talent than 95% of the other bands currently on the market. They’re eclectic, play their own instruments and are cross-cultural. Dad, however, complained about ‘that racket’.

I am, nevertheless, looking forward to this holiday. It feels like it has been a long term; I’ve made a lot of progress academically, although the social side of things has been toned down. Frankly, with fewer of my friends on campus, it’s no longer the place it once was. I also have a few decisions to make, like what to do after university.

A rest, then, will do me good. I think I need the securities of home to steady myself, to defrag my brain, as it were. Charlotte is planning to pop by on Tuesday, and I could do with her advice on a few things. I/we also have next year to plan. For now, though, I plan to sit back, relax, and listen to more Cat empire.

I decided to go have coffee with Mayer today – it was my last chance before the end of term, and I didn’t feel much like work. Then I planned to swing by Alan’s office before returning here. Coffee, however, turned into a three hour affair, followed by a shopping spree. In the end I visited Alan much later than expected; u also spoke to trish, for reasons which will soon become apparent.

Me and lee got to talking about education, the future and so on. During this conversation, lee explained how he thinks there are two distinct groups of people in society; about how they do separate jobs; about how you can go to one to another through education. What he was describing was Marxism, but I don’t think Lee knew it as such. It was at that point that I realised that my friend should be doing business studies or politics at university, and I told him as much.

Lee lacks confidence. He replied that he would need a lot of help with vocabulary and so on. These, of course, could be overcome – frankly my main concern would be his essay writing skills, but all that is needed to remedy this is a half decent LSA and a few lessons on grammar.

Although I stand by the modification to my stance on special schools I made after visiting Hebden, I still think the special school system has a lot to answer for. It left lee with a few low GCSEs and even lower confidence. I don’t think he realises how academically bright or capable he is. While it is certainly true that special schools do very good work in other areas, it is also evident that people like lee leave school with lower expectations for themselves than perhaps they should have.

After we had said goodbye, I made my way to campus to see Alan. I just needed to call in, let him know my news, and so on. I then had a short, but very worthwhile, chat with trish Belfield, head of foundation year. It would seem that Lee has a very good chance of getting to university, were he to apply. Of this I have no doubt; nor do I doubt that lee would thrive here, perhaps finding the spark that he seems of late to be lacking. The question is, how do I convince him he’s up to it?

I just got back to campus, and I do not feel that bad. After a thirty something hour flight yesterday, I could be feeling much worse, but a good night’s kip in my own bed followed by some coffee and juice recharged my batteries. I’m just back on campus to tie up loose ends before Christmas.

Brazil was different than I expected. Somehow it was more cramped. Our first day there Luke came down with a nasty virus which, almost inevitably, spread. Two days later, I got it. Not fun. It was lovely to see the family though.

My uncle owns a farm in brazil; he and my aunt moved out there in the seventies or early eighties, and they made a family there. They had two children: Christina, a botanist who proved herself very adept at looking after extended family last week, and Alexander, whose marriage we went to witness. They seem to be doing well out there – the farm is large and thriving; my aunt seems very happy indeed. Despite my cold, I had a great deal of fun; the highlight was probably getting to ride a horse around the farm, my wheelchair being most unsuitable. Chris took us to a great big party in the local football stadium one night, although, true to form, I fell asleep in my wheelchair. I also met some relatives who I hadn’t seen since I was five: my uncles brother and his family, who proved to be most excellent people. Claire and rob are about my age, and I look forward to getting to know them properly on facebook.

The wedding itself was magnificent. It was held at the cathedral in belem, where Alex works. The service was catholic, I think; everyone looked amazing. After that, there came the drinking and dancing and the whiskey and the falling-asleep-in-the-wheelchair.

So, in all I had a great time. Alex is the first of ‘us’ (by which I mean those still referred to as the children at family gatherings) to get married. I’m not sure who is going to be next, but Alex and Sueleny’s marriage will be a tough act to follow.

Lyn came to visit yesterday; she and Zita have just started off back down to London. Lyn stayed the night at mine, and it has been the best 24 hours. Mind you, we didn’t get up too much – we decided that it was wiser to stay on campus. I took Lyn to rehearsal, and I fear she got bored. But all in all I think we had fun. We just enjoyed each other’s company. I took Lyn to brandies last night, which was seriously good fun, although we left early. I think Lyn liked it.

Probably the worst thing is, I don’t know when I’ll see her again. Christmas looks quite busy for me. I’m determined to get to her, sometime. The main issue, I guess, is when. At the moment it looks like new year or after, but I’m sure I’ll find a way.

I am very pleased to report that the play I went to last night was very good indeed. It was called summertime, although I’m not sure why, and it contained some of the best acting I’ve seen on campus. Steven, the director, deserves top marks; for one thing, this performance actually had something close to a plot, something rather bold around here. While some of the acting left a bit to be desired, all in all it was of a high standard. Mind you, there were one or two outrageous French accents.

As for the actress I mentioned yesterday, I’m in two minds over what to write here. Ultimately, I should just write about her as if I was dealing with any other performer, as the fact that she uses a chair is irrelevant. Yet I do think that Steven’s choice to cast her as a middle-aged lesbian is a bold, provocative and commendable one. he could have highlighted the chair, or hid the actress – whose name currently escapes me – in the background. He did neither, but gave her a role which stood out in and of itself. It was as if the director was saying ‘so what’, which is, of course, what we all should be saying. To the director, to the cast and to the audience, the fact that one of the actors was disabled was irrelevant.

Such things would hardly be mentioned by any other reviewer, of course, for that very reason. But I do think an important semiotic point was made last night. In not drawing attention to disability, he drew my attention. I think what they did was very commendable. My hat goes off to them.

I think tonight should be interesting. There’s a show on campus with a disabled person in it. I often see the actress in question on campus, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen her act. It’s directed by a visiting tutor from the stated, and I’m extremely interested to see how he uses a person with a disability on stage. Will they be sidelined? Hidden? Or, on the contrary, will the director overcompensate? I’ll report back soon.

I just saw the first episode of After Rome: Holy War and Conquest, a bbc programme on the history of Islam and it’s interactions with Europe. It’s what I’d describe as ‘liberal’, – fair, balanced and open minded; it wasn’t afraid to show us Christians/western Europeans in a bad light, or to criticise the Muslims when appropriate. What I find amazing, and what has stopped me in my tracks, is that this ‘liberal’ programme was eloquently presented by a leading Tory MP, Boris Johnson.

The choice of presenter does two things: personally, if forces me to re-think my attitude towards the Tories: they obviously weren’t as narrow-minded and ignorant of history as I thought. Secondly, and more importantly, it sends a message to the right, saying there is no room for ethnic or religious intolerance in modern politics. Hats off to both Mr Johnson and the BBC.

Although this article from the so-called disability bitch is plainly meant to be ironic, I feel that there is a grain of truth to it. Disabled people are often turned upon when the going gets tough. While I still raise an eyebrow when people claim we crips are ‘opressed’, I do think this credit crunch thing might hit us worse than most.

That said, I’m about to go xmas shopping.

We all know that the blogger has more and more political clout these days; there’s quite a convincing argument to suggest that blogs helped sway the American election. More of what we know comes from so-called citizen-reporters. Blogs were apparently a valuable tool in aiding our understanding of events like the tsunami and the recent terror attacks in Mumbai. However, it occurs to me that blogs can be very useful for people with communication disabilities, like myself.

Take the entry I made earlier. Ordinarily such a blog entry, unless it was on some girls livejournal, wouldn’t have appeared – how is my return to campus blogworthy? Blogs, as I say, are for political and social commentary; they shouldn’t be a narration of one’s life or one’s internal monologue. Unless, I’d maintain, you’re like me.

Often – I cannot speak for everyone here – people with communication disabilities find it hard to explain stuff at length. Plus, when you’re trying to tell a lot of people something at once, and you’re not sure how to word it in an email, it’s often prudent just to allude to it in a blog entry. Earlier, I needed to tell both Ricardio and jo I’d tried to turn up to rehearsal; my parents what had happened; it also told Ricardio that I will need him at tea time. It told Lyn and everyone else I was back on campus. Bada bing bada boom.

Talking of such problems, I neglected to ask my parents if Lyn could come stay over Christmas. I know its not as simple as Luke having yan come to stay or mark and Kat coming up from Paris. First she has wheels. Second Katrina would have to come too. Third how would grandma and yaiya react? Grandma especially. Then I don’t want mum to think she has more work to do. Plus what about timings? And then and then and then. But at least, by raising the subject, I have increased the possibility. By telling people without telling them, it gives them room for manoeuvre.

Annoyingly I have just hurried back to campus, after a restful weekend at home, only to find that rehearsal has been cancelled. Well, more specifically, the rehearsers are nowhere to be seen. I’m annoyed – I whish someone had told me. Whets more, I made dad drive me here especially. Strangely though, Rob’s not here either, so I’m about ho head over to Ricardio”s place to find out what’s going on.

Pointless blog entry, I know, but at least it lets you all know I’m still alive.

After a quick detour off the wagon caused by a trip to charlottes and my subsequent lack of willpower, I am back on the wagon. My last drink was on Sunday,, and, as per my father’s advice, I do not intend to drink for two weeks. To be honest I feel better for it; I’ve been able to do some good work and feel much more cheerful. Now, I’m not going teetotal, but suspect my special occasions only strategy is the way forward. Besides, the rarer the drink, the better the taste.

I got lost today. Totally, utterly, and completely lost. Well, that is a slight exaggeration – I knew I was near Crewe, but I was lost. I went looking for Lee’s house – I knew roughly where that was, so I kept going in the right general direction. However, I was almost at Leighton hospital, with defiant’s power gauge just showing one amber light left, when I decided I had taken a wrong turn. With the gauge flashing danger warnings, I caught the bus back to Crewe, then the 20 to alsager.

Today started well enough. after morning, I settled down to write, then found I needed more evidence to back up my ideas. First I went to the library, which wasn’t much use, then over to consult Alan in Crewe. I had a short, but very encouraging meeting with him – he seems to like my current line of enquiry, concerning the politicisation of film in the French new wave, very much – then I decided to do some more Christmas shopping in Crewe. Bought one present. Then decided to go find lee.

You know, I never did found his house.

It has been my first thousand word day in ages. in stark contrast to my recent performance, this morning the words were flowing out of me, and I felt on top form. I managed to get a solid 3 hours done, so I’m pleased. Also, this afternoon I went Christmas shopping. This isn’t my favourite task, as I never know what to get anyone, but I have made a good start. I’m quite pleased with myself, and am starting to recover my spark. Plus, next week Lyn is coming to visit – on the bus all the way home, I just couldn’t stop thinking about what a lovely time we will have.

I was very interested to find out, over dinner last night, that Ricardio is now learning makaton. He apparently has to learn it for his job, teaching at a college in stoke.

I last encountered makaton back at school; it’s a writing and signing system for people with learning difficulties. I must admit that, back then, arrogant little child that I was, I didn’t see much of a point. Why not just teach people how to read normally, I reasoned. At the same time, I was sort of fascinated by it, from a linguistic perspective. I wonder, for example, if you can use Makaton to write any sort of complex narrative.

Even so, there’s something very amusing about Ricardio using makaton. I know it’s a very good thing, and I shouldn’t laugh, but it’s like a professor of chemistry using one of those kids chemistry sets. Also, once again I find that my old world bursts into my new one.

At least it’s a sign that the world is becoming more inclusive. Perhaps one day they’ll start using it around uni.

I know I should stop just bursting in, uninvited and unannounced, on people; it really is a bad habit.

I’m currently test-driving a new wheelchair, called a quantum. Yesterday I invited my friend lee Mayer over from Crewe, since he knows a bit about chairs. He arrived around eleven – the plan was to go somewhere together – me in the quantum, him in defiant. When lee suggested we both go to Chester, I thought it a wonderful idea – it’s a fascinating city, great for Christmas shopping, and perhaps I could pop in on Charlie and the joneses.

Getting there was easier than I thought. I instantly fell in love with the quantum’s mid-wheel-drive manoeuvrability, especially when getting on and off busses. It is much easier than the f55. plus, in terms of speed, although the f55 accelerates faster than the quantum, their top speed is like-for-like. In short, I was extremely impressed.

We got to Chester later than I hoped, given the busses tendency to stop every few meters. Lee muttered something about public transport. Anyway, we took a tour of the city centre, at one stage encountering a bunch of vicious looking school kids, who I think were very curious about us: ”Look, that one’s smoking a cigar”. (cigar smoking, by the way, seems to suit Mayer) I must say though, I did overhear a disproportionate amount of comments about us yesterday (”don’t laugh” etc) and felt very got at.

When I got bored of the city centre, which, admittedly, didn’t take too long, I decided that it would be nice to introduce lee to charlotte. I remembered that the joneses don’t live too far from the city centre, but had forgotten precisely where. So we asked for directions, and thus began a wild goose chase which, about an hour and a half later, saw us both turning up at the joneses door.

Quite what the joneses really think of me randomly turning up every so often I do not know, they’re such genuinely nice people they welcomed us in. Mrs j. gave us toast and tea, and we sat there warming up by the fire in their large, homely kitchen. It turned out, however, that Charlie wasn’t there after all – she was at her brother’s place in London, where they had seen him perform the night before. Nevertheless, we had a good talk, and lee got to meet poppy and will, C’s younger siblings.

We didn’t stay too long – I didn’t want to intrude too much – and we left after about an hour. Mrs. Jones and Will walked us back to the bus station, but, seeing as the bus was going to be 45 minutes later, they left us in subway. We again had no problems with thee busses, save for the waiting, and we got back to alsager about half ten.

It was too late and too cold for Mayer to drive home, so I asked security to open up an empty room at the other end of Westfield flat. They kindly obliged, and, after I had lent lee some pyjama bottoms, and after we had talked a bit, we both went to bed exhausted.

As much as I loathe the British national party, and find their ‘politics’ a heady mix of xenophobia, testosterone and ignorance, I must say that I’m appalled that a list of bnp supporters has been published and that such a fuss is being made over it. While I may find the fact that bnp supporters are teaching kids unpalatable, one’s political stance must be irrelevant when applying for a job. The same goes for age, ethnicity, gender, or whatever. If we go down this route, where will it end? Shall we say that if you’re religious you can’t teach science? Hell no. if you are white you can’t teach about slavery? How absurd. Politics should be left at the workplace door. Surely as soon as we make any such move we become as bigoted as we accuse them of being.

I was feeling abit down this morning; work hasn’t been going to schedule. I waas at my pc from about 20 past 9 till about lunchtime, trying to work and not getting very far. I must admit I’ve been feeling low about it recently.

At about 12 I went out onto campus. Time for a cheeseburger and a change of scenery. I also like just rolling about to see whats going on, if anything. I have also found this also bit of ground which is perfect for doughnutting, just outside the sports labs. Anyway, after lunch I bumped into Tony.

I’ve probably known Tony shaw since our first year. I think I’ve mentioned before he now works here with the drama technicians, but I remember him from film lectures and seminars. He was/is in our friendship group, and I remember him joining us over in the cool side of the wes on many occasions.(in my second and third year, whenever I needed company, I could always go over to what I call ‘the cool side of the wes’. I could always find Emma or Charlie or Vanessa or someone in there). Now, Tony is the only one of those guys still about, and I must say I’m very glad of his presence.

We got to chatting. ”If you’re gonna ask if I’ve seen Quantum of solace,” he said, ”the answer is no.” I wasn’t. instead I told him I was feeling down and I couldn’t do it. Tony then told me to stop being so stupid. ”You’ve probably just hit a wall. Go speak to Alan..” well, as it stands I’ve got a meeting with Alan tomorrow.

Its funny how a meeting like that can cheer you up. Tony is one of those people in the picture in the conservatory at home. Taken on graduation day, this picture reminds me of what I can achieve. Thus, in a funny way, even Tony’s presence here makes me feel more confident.