i just finished reading an article in the sunday times news review. It5 was an accountt of the capture of Baghdad last year, detailing american soldiers actions first hand – one could smell the tank feul, and the blood. So far we have been merely given numbers of dead or captured, but this article i got a glimpse of the real war.

and I remember feeling the same thrill i got when i see battles on film – in sharpe, or when the rohirrim charge. this was exciting stuff; boys-own adventure. and i felt ashamed to feel so, for then i read of the blood, the families fast losing members – sons and daughters. One shouldn’t allow oneself to forget the truith of war.

night has fallen. the sky is deep, dark blue and fringed with low cloud, and there are no stars. I yearn for one. I yearn to leave this room and walk under the sky: under amazonian skies; under african skies. once again, i feel my feet itching. I want to see the far-off corners of the world: camping inv the serengeti, eatinng sushi in tokyo, drinking beer as the sun sets over sydney harbour.

these things will never happen. I am trapped in my body. i will never climb kilimanjaro, or see machu pichu. But in my mind I am free – free to walk in the grasslands of africa and the snows of the rockies. I see the salmoln in the stream, the wildebeast on the plain, and the whale in the sea. I hear music from africa and see pictures of these pllaces.

i am free, and travel must wait. good night, my friiends.

I was bored, and i thought i’dd do some websie stuff. i think it works rathew well

i’ve been watching news with interest this week, as iraq seems to be going awol. bush has also been talking with sharon, and they made a deal over isreal which will almost certainly enrage the alestinians as it senies them the right to return to what they say are their homes. does nobody else see the irony here – israel was built on this very principle. anway, it has long been established that one of bin laden’s major oncerns is palestine, so what enrages palestine wll enrage bin laden, and since bush is unambiguously tle creator of this hipocratic plan, more terrorist attacks will follow.

instead of protecting the u.s from attack, bush is inviting them. i just wrote a 4-page politics hwk in 5 hrs, so exxcuse my typing.

One knows the world has gone haywire when one’s parents take you into a Sex show! Mine did, but then, ma and pa are pretty cool.

We’ve just got back from a long weekend in Amsterdam: it’s a fine, beautiful city, full of wonderful buildings, large squares and excellent views, butt we went for other reasons.

We got there Saturday morning in time for lunch in a small café, then a tour of the city by boat, then a trip back to the hotel, then, in the evening, an exploration of the city’s nightlife. We head for the red light area, for which the city is famous, in an attempt to, um, get me aid, during which time we encountered a stage sex show, which was rather funny, if just to see the dirty oriental businessmen in the audience. Then, we went to see if any thing could be done about my virginity. Err..no. seems I can’t even pay for it. Dents ones ego. Ho hum

Anyway, during this very dodgy evening, we paid a visit to the cannabis museum. Somehow, we talked to the proprietor about medicinal cannabis, and he invited us back the following afternoon for a demonstration of THC – the drug minus the orher weird stuff.

Now, I’ve always thought thee parents to be conservative when it comes to drugs. I was wrong, and the following afternoon, after a visit to the tulip fields (pretty, but dull) they wheeled my chair into the museum. There, at the back, was a nice American lady called Zoe, who, after some talk, showed me the thc apparatus – best termed “hippie bagpipe” – and squirted the drug into my mouth.

I had trouble inhaling in time with the mouthpiece, so Zoe recommended we get some hippie chocolate from a nearby café, which, along with ample puffs from the bagpipe, saw me rather..err. I think stoned is the word. I could relax, move more fluidly, and nothing ached. It worked, and all was well, till I had a beer.

That was a mistake: I got rather depressed, sad etc, for no reason. I decided I hated the drug. I should not have mixed the two substances. Not an experience I want to repeat, ever! I still feel slightly iffy.

Yet, possibly the best thing that happened was in the lift of C&A, which we shared with a mother and her daughter with CP. She was about 5 or 6, I guess. We faced each other – she was wide eyed with curiosity, and realisation that she was not alone.

ii probably should write something. i try to update once a week, but havent had much to write about, bar my dodgy tory taxi driver, who cant stop playing with hiss dick and the dubious loon that i share a taxi with.

oh yah, i noticed a pleasing duality – just as ppl like me are trapped by disability, and the paradox of a social system which ;preaches independence but neverltheless subjigates us to special schools andd daycare, everyone is trapped to a life of servitude in no-hope jobs by capitalism. Moreover, on a natio[nal scale we are trapped into a war on terror which, while we cant possibly win, niether can we do nothing. Perverselyy, noting this made me feel a little less isolated.

we’re all equally trapped. it’s likee a python sketch, really.

After hisory, i returned to the student council, who gave me a birthday card signed by all my friends there. this cheered me up no end!

This afterrnoons history lesson was awful. We had to read short biographies of members of the 19117 bolshevik party then fuill in a table. I couldn’t keep up – I dont read very fast (even though i love reading). I found myselmf dropping further and ffurther behind. I’ll have to caqatch up over the weekend, as well as doing the hwk john set. No point worrying about it, i suppose.

ok, so maybe tv dinners r better than i thought..

Downstairs here r 3 tesco cook-in-plastic-tray-thing roast beef dinners. Jeez. has it really come to this? cuisine de la proletariat! I miss proper dinnners. having said that, mums gonna do a mexican on saturday 4 myy birthday. yaay!

oh year. i got another a for my film studies coursework todaaay – 2 in as many weeks. i guess,, tea aside, all is well.

Today for my film studies course, Aristede, Jane and rob the sports lsa took me back to my old school. I needed to get the storyboards done for film studies. It was odd, going back – it was all so familliar, yet so differenyt. I felt like a stranger among friends: i knew everyone there – mrs ellis, whom i have known since i was 9 or 10, said hi, as did mrs jackson, whom i have known, well, longer than I remember.

yet its also so different – theyve done much more building work, expanded the playground etc. which, i suppose, is the point: the hebden I knew is gone. time and tide wait for no man.. ths i doubt i will return there. It is part of my past, and though, academically speaking, it was as useful as an exploded blamonge, i still have a great affection for it. I suppose the chapter of my life entitled “hebden green school” closed for all time today.. It was long and good. A new chapter will begiin soon, and that will be called “university”.

i just got back from oxford. mark and kat graduated in an aincient and beautiful ceremony, full of traditionn and stpid hats. me and luke gott to go round oxford, buying cd’s and spying possible presents in a state of decreasing sobriety. by mid-evening, we had invented a sport wherein luke rides on the back of my chair while i lean forward and squeal. Highly unethical in that it sets back the portrayal of disability about 50 years, but fun.

coming soon: a rant about the conservitives.

Hi mark

I havent been reading all that much recently. Not as much as i’d have like. Been far too busy with university stuff, coursework etc. I have a day ooff today to visit Staffs university, which should be good. I’m starting to look forward to going to university – it’s high time I got a little more independent, and less reliannt on M, D + L.

As for the americans, yeah, I may bemoan their stupidity andd religious zealotry – I’ve heard it termed “Tinhattery” – but most are ok. some of the best writing on the subject of disabilitty I’ve ever seen came from a lady in Florida; I hold “To Kill a Mockingbird” – set in Alabama – as one of my fadvourite books; and you know I have a liking for that son-of-a-gun hemingway, so the americanj literarry tradition (and thus its capacity for thought) is alive and well. Rather the problem lies with the bougiousie, the Republican rulers, who see fit to indoctrinate the proletariat with the mythlore of religion.

This is very hard to escape. Religion reminds me of Obsesssive-compulsive disorder (OCD) en mass, where the people believe they have to do strange things, like go o church each slunday, or something bad will happen. It has been used for eons to control people, from Ankor-wat to machu-pichu, and now in washington, Now, I know from my blog-gazing and fanfic-reading that not all americans are infected – La Guera for one is highly critical of god, as shown in this passage:

`”…Whatever you have to. The only bad lie from now on is the one that doesn’t work. Tell her a convenient truth. Tell her you want to help because you know what it’s like to watch a friend suffer, watch them wither before your very eyes, while all you can do is cry and puke and send useless prayers to a God gone stone deaf and blind and half-mad from all the inhumanity He Himself has inflicted upon His “children”. Tell her you don’t want her to go through the same thing. It’s more truth than lie, and what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”

However, writers and theiir peers aside, the states are infected with a braand of religion which seems to be an infusion of God and the allmighty dollar. Preachers appear on their telivision screens, telling bible stories with hilghly capitalist, rightist subtexts. the bible is now a tool for the marketeers: its only a matter of time before we hear sloggans such as “god drinks Coke”; we have already seen bush using god in his speeches .

Thus, god is now associatwd with all things american. – He is almost a figure of patriotism, as aamerican as apple pie. the americansseem ,to nneed him to validayte what theyre doing, like kids looking to theeir parents. Yet god”s mouth now lies with marketeers, biggots and absolute fools of the republican party, who use it to spurt their own agenda. And this is worrying.

we were talking to my genius brothe on the phone earlier. he pointed out that, were america any other nation, the UN would have imposed sanctions by now. It is currently under something approachhing an absolutist regime which, while infringing civil libities at home, is trouncing upon international law, posturing against other natiions including france. As noted in a previous entry, I know many americans to be good, level-headed people, but there is a core of american “neo-cons” who promote the most distasteful of views using the mos erronious of logic. I believe these are termed “republlicans”, and includ the president.

what worries me is that their numbers are growing. religious fundimentalism is rising with it, and the two seemingly go hand in hand. I note this week Swartsinegger has outlawed gay marriage, citing god as a reason. this tells us two things: 1. that civil liberties are going the way of john cleese’s parrot, and 2 that the separation of church and state has ended.

the 2nd ppoint worries me the most. any reggime which uses religion as a basis is almost always absolutist. it can use religion – a form of mass ocd – to control the populus. it can proclaim itself to act with the authority of god, and all those who oppose it as satanic. hence we see a polarisation in the american mindset in the way bush talkks of good and evil. they forget that it is not black and white, not gonndor vursus mordor, and this fact frightens me.

I fell over in tesco today. I didn’t hurt myself, but the point is i fel so different to everyone else. every fall, every spasm, everuy twitch is starting to great. and if you start to complain, your mum tellss .you your acting liker a spoiled brat. So you boottle it up, tryIng not to let it ge.t to /you. I think of my mates at school, who have it ten times wworse, and remind myself I have nO cause to complain. Yet i also thinkk of the sstaring eeyes of evvery bog-eyed sprog in tesco, who’s mothers wisper “don’t stare”, and i wish for a way to escape, but there is no escape but to bottle one’s feelings up and smile.

This afternoon I finished reading vanessa collingrige’s biography of captain cook. Despite the prose being too flowery in places for what should be a work of academia, it is a fine b9ook. I really got into the mind of the great explorer, as well as developing a good understandinng of the arguments for and against his discovery of jav la grande. It is indeed a well-rounded book, but I reaLise from my sudy of hisory at college the folly of relying souly on one sourse. No doubt collingridge is correct on most counts, though.

as for cook himself, i coulddn’t escapee the ccomparisoon with picard – no doubt one was based on the other. “hoist the mainsail. prepare to get under way. engage”

i was reading stupid white men this weekend, and there is no doubt its a very good book. despite its frakly scary content, the fact remmainn hat it is critical of its government, wwhich is a good sign. Moore is evidence that at least some of the american people are not cought up in thiss stupid, misguided patriootism, and are still capaable of rounded thought. further evidence of this comes from weblogs i read. it sseems the real problem lies, not with the american proletariaat, but with it’s bourgiousie, which controls its government and media. it pipes the false-idols of patriotism and religion to the people, making us fiorigners gasp in horror. the question is why do some americans accept this, while others see its folly?

this evening, i played with lego. as part of film studies, my teacher reccomended i get a programm called lego creator so we can create storyboaards etc, and mine came today. my mind went back to whhen i was little, watching my brothers make models, but all i could manage was a few disjointed bricks, which took hours of concentration and a sodden jumper. but this evening, i made a wall – not much,, just enough to test the programme – but it was a perfectly straight wall, no tension, no frustration, no getting parents to do i. it was almost blissful in the irony. i owe adrian a pint.

I’ve just been out in my chair. went down seimens hill, through park and decided to head into town. thinking the road clear, i was crossing mountbattan way when a czar zoomed past about 50 cm from me at about 60mph. i stopped, turned back, and vanother carr hooted att me. i headed home,, scared shitless. i’m not going out again.

whats more, when heading past thw leisure centre, some lads were pretending i was a monster, shouting “spac attack” etc

we were discussing this last week,. see blog entry on the paradox of libralism. she says what i wanted to more susinctly. just click here

i suppose i better comment on this. given that lord hutton has only chriticised the bbc and not pm blair, and that the evidence is soo obvious against blair et al, i suspect foul play. who is against the bbc, but for a ‘rightist’ government? hmm…rupert murdoch?

this may just be me, or dad after lovi night, but something stinks about all this. blair survived his toughest week with barely a scratch. how?

An interesting, and worrying thing happened in politics this week.in short, a fellow student started making comments about how ‘defficient kids should be aborted or killed after birth. I was furious and caused quite a stink. the fellow was made too appologise to me (not my idea). I accepted it, but asked him if he mmeant it, expecting the annswer no. He thought for a while: “Yes, if they’re going to die before theyre 5 or have no quality of life”. I lost my rag, and said something like “why five, why not 20? then you kill many of my friends.” I saw red.

Now i feel retrospectively guilty: the guy waas only voicing his views, and should be respected for it. I was wrong to case such a fuss – now the guy will have his beliefs about the disab;led confirmed – troublesome whingers. Yet I can’t escape the fact that such views i find obhorrant. In a way, it boils down to a liberal paradox: accept all perspectives, except those which contradict yours. If so, am I bein a hyppocrite?

I have just woken from the coolest of dreams: I was driving into Oxford with a couple of members of staff from college. We were going as a prospective student. I remember thinking “this is where Mark was”

Ok, so I’m never going to go to oxford, but the fact is I am going to university, which I never thought possible. It’s the coolest thing on earth. Things are looking up.

South Cheshire College – I love ya!

I was talking with Aristede today about buddhism. it appeals to me – it saays that all living things are equal, ad that when one dies, one is reborn in another being. our conditions in the next life are deendent on our actions in this one, but whereas a common misconception is to assume that all disabled people are therefore sinners, we are the lucky ones: misdeeds do not haave to be repaid in the very next life, and given that all people are prone to be bad, we are the ones getting our debt ‘out of the way’. provided i dont mope too much, next life should be cool.

today we had a firework display. the brother-chaps had fun setting fire to sseveral exploodoing bits of card. simple pleasures, eh? what strikess me is why are we celebrating an aniverserry of an execution which was ostencimly motivated by religion? is bonfire night a celebration of an early victtory in the war on terror – were the gunpowder conspiritors seen as the al quida of there day. have we merely replaced the word ‘catholic’ with ‘muslim?

why is there fuck all to do on the net?

today in film, we had to select a film to sstudy from a list. they were all noir era, and the only onne i knew was “the wizard off oz”.

now i’m studying that: munchkins n’ all. aaargh

I will walk better.

I will speak more clearlly3. I will go to university nobody will stop me!

read yesterday that the future of hebden green is ‘up for review’. I am very fond of the place, as many of my closest friends are there – both staff and students.

Now it’s being ‘reviewed’ by bureaucrats with smart suits and able bodies. how can they possibly fathom what such a place means? they don’t see it as those who study or work there do? do they go to students funerals, or stretch tight tendons? have they sat on those hillocks behind school and seen, at one and the same time, the tragedy and beauty of that place?

read this

I haven’t made a blog entry in ages, due to technical difficulties and idleness. I should keep it up. Anyway, This week I started at south cheshhire college, which is a cool place, if busy. I’ve made new friends there allready, and lee mayer (aka penfold – a most suitable nickname) is there, which s very cool.

On the home front, things are holding up under the cirumstances. Its best for me to keep out of the way, as mum doesn’t need me causing havoc right now. having said that, she’s oping better than i’d have expeced, and dad’s being very supportive.

A meeting with Matt

Pam Ingénue talks to Matthew Goodsell for G2

I meet Matthew Goodsell sitting outside a pub in Macclesfield, Cheshire. He is sitting at a table, sat in a large electric wheelchair sucking beer through a straw. It immediately strikes me how odd he looks – arms skewed and neck tense.

Suddenly his eyes dart up. Taking his mouth from the straw he says something I think was “hi.”

“hi.” I say, “I’m Pam.”

Immediately, he unfolds his famous Lightwriter, the device he talks with. “Hi Pam, welcome to Macc.” He types with surprising speed. “thanks.” I reply. I’m not sure whether to speak to the machine or Mr. Goodsell’s face. I go for his face: “shall we begin?” “Fire away.” He types.

“What first inspired you to write?”

“I have always written. My parents got me a BBC computer when I was about four. They would sit me in front of it and I used to write stories just as Mark and Luke [my brothers] used to draw pictures. It was a means of expression.

“I can’t remember not being able to read and write – the letters of the alphabet have always made sense to me, it seems. My parents must have drilled them into me at a young age, for which I’m extremely grateful.”

“To what extent does your disability affect your writing?”

“Well, it has a twofold effect: firstly, I do not type quickly, so it is a long and somewhat arduous task. Secondly, I believe that one of the foremost rules of writing is stick to what you know, and I know about being disabled, so I write about that, with a few exceptions”.

“so a lot of your work is autobiographical?”

“I’d say much of it is semi-autobiographical. There is some fiction in my work of course – my futuristic scenario pieces, for instance – but I like to stick to fact when it comes to issues like disability. I was educated at a special school full of disabled kids. It was a place of great sorrow, but also great joy. While the public may not want to know about such places, I believe they need to know about such places. This is why I like to include my autobiographical passages into my fiction, as a way of teaching people lessons by stealth.”

At this, Mr Goodsell leans forward to take a mouthful of beer. It’s hard to surprises the urge to help him, but he manages. I choose to continue the interview. “why does politics take such a large role in your work?”

He looks quizzically at me. “I thought that would be obvious from my work. I believe, firmly, that leftwing socialist policies are the best way of helping people like me. Rather than doing it through charities, money and resources should be allocated through the government. The government, being democratically elected, would be in the best position to do this fairly.” He chuckles, and I detect a small spasm in his arm. “Of course, I’m not a complete ‘commie’; I believe those who can work should work and get rich if they can, and fair game to them, but I just think its unfair. Nature is unfair, but we should try to right it.” I can see I’ve touched a raw nerve. I change the subject. “So, what are your plans for your next novel?”

“ahh, that would be telling. You’ll have to wait and see.”

At that moment an elderly gentleman appears behind Matthew. “time’s up.” He says. “matt. We better get going. Mum’s finished the shopping.” With a wave of goodbye, and a small “pip” as he turned his chair on, he disappeared towards the town, followed by his father.

my reference to “the ranks of the strong”, in my last entry meant disabled ppl in general. they are the stronggest ppl i kknow – whichh doesnt imply that i consider myself strong.

no point moping about being disabled when there’s so many cool things in the world. in a few weeks we go to france. yay!

btw, rod liddle is a faccist plonker

i often have dificulty walking; speaking to my relitives is difficult, my arms seem to have minds of their own, yet, quite possibly, i am the luckiest fellow alive – i have a wheelchair but ii’m not confined to it; i’m a member of a walm loving family with two great parents and two genious brothers; ok, my limbs often annoy me but they have their uses; and so on. looking at ppl like andy fox, phil littlewood, etc and now reading “summon the lambs”, i realise how bloody lucky i am. things could be so much worse.

do other ppl realise this. do the normal masses realise how lucky they are? i value my position in this life as it allows mw o see both sides – i am, like all ddisabled ppl pittied, yet i can see that i am the lucky one. i am among the rankks of the strong.

on thursday, ouch’s monnthly newsletter came into my inbox, and there was ann article concerning Harry Potter fanfiction written by disabled people. ‘interesting’ i thoght. it mentioned a story called summon the lambs to slaughter, written by someone writing under the pen-name La Gava. I looked it up and started to read, and it has seldom been out of my head since.

it ism’t short – 20 chapterrs of lord of the rings legnth – but, by god its powerful. the main character, Rebecca stanhope, has c.p, and the story is about her days at hogwarts. she faces dispicable persecution from snape, and mollycoddling from other teachers. the physical dificulties rebecca hasx are described with a beautiful terible accuracy – these include the discription off thhe moro reflex, which i know welll, and spasms. although rebecca talks well, it is clear her cp is more severe than mine, reminding me of Allex Langley.

Power not only comes from the dhe desccrjiption of rebecca. but the discriiption of the students at her old school in the u..s. these were, like rrebecca, disabled witches and wizards. with various disabilitibes. A reader can sense the authors frustration and white-hot anger, as she describes the death of fellow students – she describes a stuudentt dying froom m.d, “suffocating under his own weight”, bringing back my own painful nemmories of andy fox; she describes a suiccide of one student with emense loathing, seing it as a cowards way out when compared to those whho fight everyday for “one more dawn”. This has a profound effect on me – i have contemplated my own death, but now see it as cowardice.

thus one gets the picture that rebeccca has great mental power, as most disablled ppl have; she is stubbon; she turns the other cheek to malfoy and snapes insults, which would have seen me trying to kill them. Although rebecca is detatched, she is inspirational and somewhat life affirming, for me at least.

i now like my position in the world. i am a cripple. i aam proud. please read this book

its the niht before my exam. i’m truly scared- i don’t feel at all good. i have to relax. its too damn hot i havent tossed today just so i have something 2 loo forward to tomorrow evening. how sad.

as u might know, britain has decided not to enter the euro. who. conservative dithering and emotional attatchment to some long past mmpirre hhas doomed the u.k to becoming a thrd rate state which will sink into irrelivence, lest we swing our backs onto the e.u soon.

get this: grandma said yesterday that ‘mixing’ with people is bad. lol

as the exams draw closer, i’m becoming more stressed. i feel kind of lonely. at least they’ll be over soon.

It s nice, once in awhile,, to get out and about. Although the greatest wonders of the world may lie far away, one does not have to travel great distances to behold beauty, and this is especially so of Arely hall, a 14th century stately home with gardens.

We explored the gardens first – these were formal in the Victorian style, yet beautiful and abound with colourful flowers putting me in mind of Kew. I was struck, though, by the six or seven horse graves in one of the garden areas – too morbid for my liking. Nevertheless, it was great fun exploring these gardens in my chair; while listening to the birdsong.

For lunch I had a delicious piece of chocolate cake, dad had an apple, and grandma had some apple pie. This was eaten outside in the warm sunshine, which dominated the day and made it all the more pleasant.

After lunch we explored the wilder area behind the hall, which again was well kept but nevertheless gave me a chance to try some (moderately) off-road driving while dad and grandma sat and talked about Sussex.

It was three ‘clock when we decided to come home. Me and dad played Pub Cricket, which I won 26-14. we finally stopped off at a newly-opened nursery, inspired by what we had seen, before getting home at about four. All in all, a very enjoyable day.

i was reading today abot the determinism/free-will debate in a psychological context. the concept of determinism proposes that we behave according to several ontlling factors, like our surroundings and biology. free-will says that it is only our “wills” that control our behaviou, which would imply that behaviourr is sssentially random, which is not the case.

if behaviour is determinned, then we are but “poor players” folloing a hiidden script, yet if we are free, then the world is essentially random, behaviour unnpredictable, the field of psychology void. whicch is it? i doubtt we’ll ever truly know.