i often have dificulty walking; speaking to my relitives is difficult, my arms seem to have minds of their own, yet, quite possibly, i am the luckiest fellow alive – i have a wheelchair but ii’m not confined to it; i’m a member of a walm loving family with two great parents and two genious brothers; ok, my limbs often annoy me but they have their uses; and so on. looking at ppl like andy fox, phil littlewood, etc and now reading “summon the lambs”, i realise how bloody lucky i am. things could be so much worse.

do other ppl realise this. do the normal masses realise how lucky they are? i value my position in this life as it allows mw o see both sides – i am, like all ddisabled ppl pittied, yet i can see that i am the lucky one. i am among the rankks of the strong.

on thursday, ouch’s monnthly newsletter came into my inbox, and there was ann article concerning Harry Potter fanfiction written by disabled people. ‘interesting’ i thoght. it mentioned a story called summon the lambs to slaughter, written by someone writing under the pen-name La Gava. I looked it up and started to read, and it has seldom been out of my head since.

it ism’t short – 20 chapterrs of lord of the rings legnth – but, by god its powerful. the main character, Rebecca stanhope, has c.p, and the story is about her days at hogwarts. she faces dispicable persecution from snape, and mollycoddling from other teachers. the physical dificulties rebecca hasx are described with a beautiful terible accuracy – these include the discription off thhe moro reflex, which i know welll, and spasms. although rebecca talks well, it is clear her cp is more severe than mine, reminding me of Allex Langley.

Power not only comes from the dhe desccrjiption of rebecca. but the discriiption of the students at her old school in the u..s. these were, like rrebecca, disabled witches and wizards. with various disabilitibes. A reader can sense the authors frustration and white-hot anger, as she describes the death of fellow students – she describes a stuudentt dying froom m.d, “suffocating under his own weight”, bringing back my own painful nemmories of andy fox; she describes a suiccide of one student with emense loathing, seing it as a cowards way out when compared to those whho fight everyday for “one more dawn”. This has a profound effect on me – i have contemplated my own death, but now see it as cowardice.

thus one gets the picture that rebeccca has great mental power, as most disablled ppl have; she is stubbon; she turns the other cheek to malfoy and snapes insults, which would have seen me trying to kill them. Although rebecca is detatched, she is inspirational and somewhat life affirming, for me at least.

i now like my position in the world. i am a cripple. i aam proud. please read this book

its the niht before my exam. i’m truly scared- i don’t feel at all good. i have to relax. its too damn hot i havent tossed today just so i have something 2 loo forward to tomorrow evening. how sad.

as u might know, britain has decided not to enter the euro. who. conservative dithering and emotional attatchment to some long past mmpirre hhas doomed the u.k to becoming a thrd rate state which will sink into irrelivence, lest we swing our backs onto the e.u soon.

get this: grandma said yesterday that ‘mixing’ with people is bad. lol

as the exams draw closer, i’m becoming more stressed. i feel kind of lonely. at least they’ll be over soon.

It s nice, once in awhile,, to get out and about. Although the greatest wonders of the world may lie far away, one does not have to travel great distances to behold beauty, and this is especially so of Arely hall, a 14th century stately home with gardens.

We explored the gardens first – these were formal in the Victorian style, yet beautiful and abound with colourful flowers putting me in mind of Kew. I was struck, though, by the six or seven horse graves in one of the garden areas – too morbid for my liking. Nevertheless, it was great fun exploring these gardens in my chair; while listening to the birdsong.

For lunch I had a delicious piece of chocolate cake, dad had an apple, and grandma had some apple pie. This was eaten outside in the warm sunshine, which dominated the day and made it all the more pleasant.

After lunch we explored the wilder area behind the hall, which again was well kept but nevertheless gave me a chance to try some (moderately) off-road driving while dad and grandma sat and talked about Sussex.

It was three ‘clock when we decided to come home. Me and dad played Pub Cricket, which I won 26-14. we finally stopped off at a newly-opened nursery, inspired by what we had seen, before getting home at about four. All in all, a very enjoyable day.

i was reading today abot the determinism/free-will debate in a psychological context. the concept of determinism proposes that we behave according to several ontlling factors, like our surroundings and biology. free-will says that it is only our “wills” that control our behaviou, which would imply that behaviourr is sssentially random, which is not the case.

if behaviour is determinned, then we are but “poor players” folloing a hiidden script, yet if we are free, then the world is essentially random, behaviour unnpredictable, the field of psychology void. whicch is it? i doubtt we’ll ever truly know.

i have jusst been watching a chineese t.v chanel. i’m surprised to see how leftwing china still is, even amid all this neo-conservatism. i found it refreshing. i wonder, though, will the yanks start attacking china soon – it has demonised comunism so its on a par with terrorism. i doubt it.

i was interested to see that my brothher has an inerest in the orrient too. i wonder if, someday, we could discuss oriental philosophy.

as u all probably know,, the net is full of crap. its full of porn, which isn’t surprising as it started life populated by adolescet male nerds. thhere is porn and filth at every turn (trust me, i kknow), but what i find interesting is there are jbastionns of clenliness in this brave new world, like bbc.ok.uk, which is like a pristine clean island amid the ocean of filth that is the net. here, you can check reliable news, be entrtained etc away from the filth, before diving back into the web of pop-up ads and viruses.

its like watchiing paanorama before switching over to the adult cchanel and eating a cheeseburger

ok. i’m sually against killing people but i now think there are exceptions. given his lack of respect for everything bar big business and money, i now believe george w bush and his cabnet msst die, or otherwise be removed from office, before they do more dammage. they have invaded a country for nothing but their own proft, pretending to act selflessly while the opposite is true; they have turned America into a heap of bible-baashing, selfish morons, they must go.

i feel so angry about this, an so powerless.

my little brother luke has set me on a silly schedule-thing – nomsn before six, no web before 8, and no t.v before 9.45. like the liquidIsation of my food, i hate it but part of m sees tbhe ense of it. i have more time to concentrate on work now.

anyway, he says if i keep it up i get ‘full circle’ on video. i hence intend to keep it up.

qhy is everything getting me down? my itc project is going really slowly and I don’t know how to ftix it; i haave ppsych to do, but i dont feel at all confident about it. it seems whatever i do i get poor marks.

i want 2 cheer myself up by reading michael palin or something, but then i feel guilty about not working. mum says i’m bored. she’s probably right.

then there ate these damn absences i get, where i temporarily forgett where i am. i’m nervous thaat theyre damaging my brain.

i was watching him on the Abraham Lincoln yesterday and he reminded me of a kid with toys – “look at me, dad, i can fly in an akirwoplane!” – and then he posed like a film star whats more, he said that america had won: where vis saddam? where are the WMD? won my arse!

america is being lead by bafoons!

i jjust read this report. it seems to me that, like the yanks, blair is being very arrogant. what makes him so sure there are wmd in iraq. i hate the war–mongers, and i’d like to vote blair out, but the problem is the tories are ven worse!

our american friends, for all thier big notions of “freedom” and democracy, are children: they have invaded a soverign state – albeit a brutal dictatorship – in the search for power and oil. their troops, returning from battle, do not tell of the horror of combat but yelp like boys on a computer gamw.

they are now posturing aagainst france, just because they refused – justly – to support their crusade. these aren’t the actions of adults, but children!

my bro just danced out of my room like a madman, leading me to reflect on the current craze for being mad: my cousin diiscribes a schitzophrenic friendd he has, and my brother’s friend rober definitely sounds nuts.

some psychologists say that madness is a coping mechanism for insane situations – in which case, could this increase in eccentric behavior refjlect an increasingly innsane world?

i was in london for greek easter this weekend, staying at my grandparent’s place. it occured to me that A) organised religion is bollox, it is just a kind of fear-enduced social control, and B) this doesn’t matter to the greeks as going to church isn’t about religionn, it’s about being seen; its about who wears the smelliest perfume and its about how much everybodies grandchilldren have grownn. rules ffor greek church:

kiss as many pictures as possible stand up when everyone else does try not to look too bored

my parents have began to liquidise my sunday roasts, and i dont know what to think. I like food, and so at first thoroghly resented the idea: yet i can also see the logic behind it – i now eat much faster and make far less mess.

the questioon then is one of logic vursus social niceness. I come from a very scientific family, where science is prized over art (and most other diciplines). I supppose this to be expected.

yet i still want to chhew mmy food myself. liquidised food lacks the taste and texture of un-mushed stuff, as science lacks the humanity of art: one must have both to appriciate either.

i must appologise if this doesn’t make sense – with my liquidised food i also had some unliquidised cote du Rhone.

English iis a complex language: it has ‘evolved’ over hundreds, if not thousands of years into a ttoung nnow spoken widely around the worrld. Thanks largely to the british empire, it, along with french, is the language of business and deplomacy.

It is also the language of the net, and here is where the gradual metamorphosis all languages go through has been quickened. Enlish, when used on the web, is constantly becoming truncated – wordss are becoming shorter through laxiness; sentences are reduced to three letters; emotions are reduced to a mere two symbols.

Although I must admitt to using this new “web lafnguage”, i cannot help but think it extremely vulgar. this ims the tounge used by hShakespeare, Wordsworth and Chaucer, reduced like a pot-noodle, to it’s bane bones, void of beauty.

And yet, as all things change over time, so must english. Indeed, no doubt chaucer would have thought shakespeare’s lannguage coarse, and Shaakespare Wordsworth’s. Thus, rather than bemoaning the dawn of web-language, we should welcome it as another step along the linguistic evolutionarry trail.

Although i think it will be some time before we see emoticons in the broadsheets or in books, i wlose by saying: c u l8r!

whats the point of having a blog if you have nothing particular to write? ok, i have plenty to write, but only when i’m in the mood.

god i’m sad! our connection has been down, and i havent wanked the whole time. my masturbation is reliant on access to the internet. well, it’s up now, so if you’ll excuse me….

this spring has been so nice. I have, on quite a few occcasions, been able to get out in my chair. On sunday i went down Giantswood lane, turned left and came back through town. I guess that was pretty danerous tho.

itss too hot to have a propper dress-up tonight. i’ll probably just slip into my swimming cozzie

it’s sunny today. I think later I’ll go outside.

The fact that the Americans are using old Iraqi policemen is telling. they would have been saddam’s enforcers. I think his shows that America is not interested in making Iraq democratic – they seem merely to have replaced one brutal regime with their own.

found a reason to be cheerfull!

I’ve been thinking – what is my place in society? what is my purpose? Am I part of the great social sympathy pot that is disability. I will rely on handouts and help all my life and I hate it. I’m bored of being disabled.

There is, however, one chance. Stem-cells can cure all this – mend damaged tissue. Yet the thick cunts on the religious right have blocked this research, failing to understand that you don’t have to kill foetuses to get stem cells. These people really are stupid: most of them fat and greedy. I despise them.

Something occurred to me yesterday. In 1903 British forces were fighting the Boers in Africa. This was a colonial war, fought to spread British ‘civilisation’ across the planet. 101 years later, America, the new imperial power, is fighting a new colonial war, this time in Iraq..

Have we learned nothing in 100 years of the most bloody century in history? after 50 years of diplomacy, bush has seen fit to return to the ways of empire and the sword. That, I suppose, is the exact calibre of this man – the “Shoot first, ask questions later” logic of the halfwit cowboy. He has, as Vladimir Putting points out, wrecked most of the treaties laid down during the cold war.

those treaties kept the giant asleep. If America continues along its current path, and invades Syria or North Korea, It will wake, and fuck knows what will follow.